The great conundrum…

I’m facing a bit of a problem and I can’t figure out how to solve it.  The problem is that different parts of me are in control at different times, and I can’t seem to reconcile the differences between them.

During my days I am a hard-working, creative person; I work non-stop from the time I get to the office to the time I get home, and I produce more deliverable content than anyone thought possible when this position was created for me.  I’m anti-social, but this comes from a combination of factors.  The first being that I get massive social anxiety when I have to deal with more than one person at a time.  The second part to it is that I am here to produce, not to make small-talk with people on the company dime.  The work ethic and the lack of social interaction outside my department turns me into a highly-celebrated production machine that is constantly shifting our paradigm of what we can achieve and how fast we can do it.  This carries into my personal life where I play hard, laugh hard, love hard, and sleep hard.  It has always been my way, and I’m entirely accustomed to it.

The problem is that when I start meditating, this portion of my personality completely disappears.  It’s just…gone.  While this makes meditation an amazing way to relax, it creates a bit of a problem when trying to use my meditative states for the purposes of magick.  Once I get into a deep enough state to create beings, animate fetishes, and all that other wonderful stuff, I just don’t care to do it any more.  All I want to do is sit in my sacred place and relax.  I have to consciously make myself stop at the end of my sessions, or I would just sit there, indefinitely, in a meditative state.  So my new quest becomes giving myself the will to act on my will while meditating.  It even sounds kind of silly when you think about it.  I’m contemplating using some of the Sorcery methods that I learned in the first part of the training to see if I can get my will a bit more in focus.

This also brings up a reminder about magick:  Be careful what you wish for.

I never used to get this deep, so I never had to worry about this situation.  But, since I have made my meditation enchantment, I have been able to get into states so deep that I have a hard time wanting to come out of them.  I would never think of destroying my meditation enchantment, but I will have to do some work to maintain a level of control and intent while I’m in those deepened states.

The most amazing Tarot reading I have ever done…

This weekend was full of all sorts of surprises.  Some of them were fairly mundane, like the huge sale I ran into at Fred Meyer that let me get twice the new furniture I was planning on for my new house, while still staying $400 under budget.  Other things were a lot more esoteric.

I have two tarot decks that I really like to use, both A. E. Waite decks.  I have always stuck with the Waite cards as I believe they are filled with so much intentional symbolism that they really help guide my readings.

Back in July, I decided that I would take the deck through the same ritual that I use to enchant an item.  So, I stated my intent for the enchantment of the deck, went through the candles, incense, and meditation portion of things, and did a little bit of blood work to finish it off.  The cards were now bound to me as a sacred object, and I set about using them with their newly imbued energy.

I noticed a difference in the cards right away.  I had never done much with this deck so I primarily relied on the other one for my big questions, as it just felt more broken in and accurate.  All of a sudden, my enchanted deck started putting out specific, relevant answers even better than my other deck had ever done.  I shared this information with my wife, and did some readings with her, and she was impressed with the quality of information I was getting out of them, even if she did remain skeptical of the Tarot as a whole.  But, the reading I did on Saturday night may have put a good portion of those doubts to rest.

On Saturday, my wife said she had a question for the cards, but she wanted to see what they said without telling me any information at all.  The question was about the relevance of a dream that she had on Friday night.  Having never done an entirely blind reading before, I was a bit nervous.  This would be a big moment for a couple of different reasons: my card reading abilities were going to be on full display and the credibility of my cards was going to be put to the test.  Even after being involved with the tarot for many years, I still ask myself whether I’m really reading the cards, or if I’m reading my knowledge of the situation, person, and personal views into the cards.

There was no chance for me to do anything but read the cards at their true meanings, and see how the relationships between the cards laid out in front of me.  As I started to lay out the cards, I instantly knew I was in trouble.  The cards decided not to show me the relevance of my wife’s dream, but to weave a story.  The only thing I could figure is that it was trying to tell me what her dream was about.  With six cards out, I decided to tell my wife about her dream.  I’m not talking about some vague generalization like so many people like to do with the cards, but a specific timeline about her dream, with details that I would have had no way of knowing about.

I insisted on having no feedback from her at all until I was done, and after I was done with the first six cards, I asked her if she needed more specific information about the relevance and resolution to the situation.  She said yes, so I laid out a few more cards and gave her the pertinent information.  After I was done giving her the information, I let her tell me about her dream, and the cards nailed it DEAD on.  Just in case someone thinks that most of these readings can be applied to anything, I’ll give you the gist of what I told her last night.

Your dream had to do with our relationship and marriage.  It looks like we start out very happy, as we are right now, but then a dark force enters the relationship.  With this guy involved [he’s a recurring character in our readings] it’s something paranormal.  He pushes us apart and causes us to end our marriage in some way, and you end up heavy into religion.

I’m not sure about you, but that doesn’t line up with a single dream that I’ve ever had.  During the reading, I also supplied a lot more information than I did in the brief synopsis above.  As it turns out, it nailed her dream spot on.  Her dream was that we were living in a house and we developed a ghost problem.  The ghost became a real issue in our lives, and I refused to move out of the house.  She ended up leaving me, and with nowhere to turn, she converted back to the Church for solace and answers.

I consider this to be a direct hit.  Obviously, the cards can’t sit down and write you out a verbatim story of what someone is about to say, but this type of accuracy is just stunning.  There is so much in the tarot that has nothing to do with her dream that I could have very easily had a total nonsense reading.  I’m hesitant to post exactly which cards I drew last night, as some people are very strict as to their interpretation of certain cards.  I’ tend to be the person that looks for connections between the cards that tell a story, and I also look for recurring themes that run through our readings, as they can cain really nail down the specifics that you may not otherwise be able to figure out.

Anyway, it was a fabulous weekend with the Tarot.  I’m glad I went through all of the bother to enchant my deck; it seems to have made a massive difference in the quality of information that the cards put out.  They really passed the test as put forward by someone else, and the lack of information combined with the amazing accuracy and clarity really help me know that I’m not reading the situation into the cards, I am reading the cards for what they are.

Conjuration Three – Sorcery Enchantment

So, I gave a serious stab at Conjuration Three last night.  The post I had yesterday inspired me to make something that would help me in my meditation.  I made a smallish figure out of modeling clay, who is seated with his legs crossed, meditating.  My intention is to have this enchantment help me when I meditate to allow me to reach deeper levels.  With modern modeling clay, and quick oven-bake times, it was a fairly simple process to complete, and the size of the figure meant I didn’t have to use much blood to anoint it.

The Liber KKK recommends two to three of this type of conjuration should be done per week, which I don’t think is an unreasonable request.  With time, this amount will decrease as I involve myself deeper within the book, and spend more time learning the ways of Chaos.  It was a fun and interesting conjuration to make, and with the excellent finish I’m putting on it, it will make a welcome addition to my office.

The problems with desire…

I wasn’t raised in the occult.  I was raised in a fairly normal, church-going, Christian family.  There wasn’t much focus on religion outside of church, but our family seemed to hold fairly well to Christian morality and ethics.  As I grew up, and the family changed, I became an atheist.  Being an atheist I figured out that if I wanted something, I had to make it happen.  I learned to set goals, to make a plan, and to work towards what I wanted.  While this is a wonderful trait to have in life, it has created some problems with me working with Chaos Magic.

The problem is that I desire very little.  Let’s see, what was on my list before?

* Great marriage  – check

* Beautiful, intelligent, well-behaved child  – check

* Education in a field that I can excel in  – check

* Career that I look forward to every day  – check

* Clear and realistic path towards early retirement  – check

* Lack of money problems  – check

* Nice house with a private office  – check

* Relaxing, fun-filled quality of life  – check

I’m not bragging about how wonderful my life is, I’m just having a hard time finding long-term goals at this point in my life.  I’ve worked really hard, and I seem to have moved on from the striving stage to the relax-and-enjoy-your-life stage.  The problem this brings about with magic is: if I honestly desire very little, what am I supposed to cast spells to manipulate?  I truly enjoy my current reality, and I don’t think it really needs any kind of bump at all.  While I know that this primarily has to do with the effort I put into it, I wonder sometimes if all of the opportunity that has presented itself along the way wasn’t the effect of a retroactive intention I had in a different future.

I’m not going to take anything away from the active role I’ve played in my own life, but along the way there have been tons of opportunities that were just a little too coincidental.

For example, I have always been a creative guy.  I was told at a young age that if you wanted to starve to death, all you had to do was go to school for something creative (art, music, etc…).  So, despite my constant interest in creative arts over the years, I got my degree in a business specialty.  It’s about as far from creative as you can get; it’s almost entirely cerebral.  I went to work in my degree field, but within just a couple of years I was a creative professional, developing artwork as a full-time gig for the company.  It’s not like I could even apply for the job, it never existed.  My current position was created entirely for me, and has never existed in this company before now.

I know it’s probably not the best example, but it’s only one of a whole series of highly unlikely events that have taken place over the last ten years.  Yes, I had to take the opportunities when they presented themselves, but the opportunities have always come up at just the right moment, and under the most unlikely of circumstances.  That’s what makes me wonder if I didn’t nudge things a bit in the future, and those opportunities are what has led me into such a good life in the present.

I just need to find out some additional things to want so I have a reason to work magic.  I think I may have to stick with esoteric topics for my spells, as my physical reality is just exactly what I desire at this time.