A good time to just shut my mouth…


Death (Photo credit: tanakawho)

So there was a death in my extended family a couple days ago.  My wife knew him well, but I had only met the guy once.  He was quite a different type of personality than I usually spend my time with, so it was only brief small-talk.  Nothing against the guy, there are just people who you click with and those who you don’t.

So he died over the weekend, which obviously causes a lot of turmoil in a family.  Not being terribly connected to the death, I become the comforter as it’s easy for me to be calm and mellow for people.  The problem I’m facing is this: People want comforting words about the death.

That may sound like it isn’t much of a problem.  For parts of it I’m even quite good at it.  I’ve experienced the death of a parent at a young age, so I have gentle and reassuring words in that regard.  I’ve spent enough time in therapy to know to encourage people to go with their emotions and find their own ways to grieve. The problem comes down to when people start asking about the more religious/spiritual aspects and what they should do or what is happening.

In that regard, most of the things I have to say wouldn’t be comforting to a Christian or most other main-stream religious people.  The soul, death, the afterlife, and all of those topics are things that I hold very different beliefs about, and I refuse to just tell people what they want to hear.  So the only tactic I’ve had is to either just shut my mouth and let them spew, or to turn it into a question.  When asked, “Even though he was drunk/high/sinner/whatever, do you think he’ll still go to heaven?”  I’ve been asking things like, “Well, what do you believe will happen?” and letting them roll on their own beliefs.

I think people are starting to see through it though, and the last thing I want to do is piss on someone’s beliefs in a time of suffering.  I seriously doubt it would go well.  The words that would I would want to hear are definitely not things that would help them at this point.  It’s really a sticky spot to be in because I like to help people when I can, but there are boundaries I set for the sake of others.  I think my unwillingness to talk about some of it is being misconstrued as ‘he just thinks he’s going to hell’ or some other judgement.

If someone wanted my honest answer, the best I could tell them is that I could try and find out.  Everyone’s death is unique, and how they interact with the afterlife can be different depending on a lot of things like their religious convictions, willingness to accept their own death, and even their own preconceptions as to what will be waiting for them (or not).  I have some tools (including my wife) that are available to get an idea, but that’s about it.  If they’re looking to know if someone is playing Scrabble with a specific deity, it’s a question that I feel that I should dodge out of respect.

On a personal note, illumination has been the key lately.  The ‘fake it ’till you make it’ mentality has been ruling my life.  I never realized how truly powerful the concept of illumination could be until I started applying it to non-esoteric areas of my life.

A little bit more reality change and I won’t even recognize myself.

IO Chaos!

I haven’t stopped my magic…

I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted on here, some of that due to medication shifts, and the other part due to people sticking to me like damned flies because there is “something wrong with me “. If that shit isn’t annoying, I have no idea what is.

My Dr. listed off a bunch of crap that’s wrong with me and made a med adjustment. Everything should be stable in a week or two.
On to magic. I have been spending the last few days building the most awesome magical focus I have ever done. I’m not going to make it something like a a servitor just because I think the damned thing would come out entirely uncontrollable.

What I’m making is the collaboration of all the work in Chaos I have done to this point. We all know that items can be created to augment, or enhance, our ability to cast spells. A servitor is nothing more than an example of this with a personality and a free-will based around the parameters and restriction locked into it upon creation. The problem with a servitor, is with all the variables involved in making one, the damned thing can do things you don’t want them to, and they are much harder to get rid of than they are to create.

So the idea of this focus is the mother-load of the darkest energy I have ever been able to pull out of my magical resources. It will channel a mother-load of the dark stuff right through it whenever a spell is cast. There are a few things that have gone into the building of it that are really interesting, and perhaps even unexpected to the readers of this blog. Does anyone remember my servitor Lazarus? The thing I failed to mention is that I saved his body. “Why would I do such a thing?! “, my wife asked. And the answer is very simple. Lazarus had a profound effect on the physical world, even thought he was one of earlier creations. Something about the way he was made, the way he was given life, and the way he synched with my personality, made him a small, but powerful ally. I’m not going to revive him from the ether, but I will try to use the same spirit of direct, measurable, physical control in what I do with this new focus.

The focus itself is very morbid, but it needs a few things before the ritual that will give it power. The variables need to be considered and restricted within the binding seal, the right ritual needs to be designed, and the will be a lot of blood. The restrictive seal cannot be done in blood his time. It needs to be something that cannot be removed in any way to keep this thing contained.

The only piece of the puzzle is to create it as a focus, or give it a form. Lazarus first started as a fetish, and was later converted into a servitor. That’s probably best with this thing, if it turns out as powerful as it as designed to be.

I know i’m not getting a real human skull for this one, but a man can always dream.

I’ll keep everyone posted as to the progress on the mother-of-all dark foci.


Ghosts and wise guys…

Last week I posted about feeling like I was going crazy, and then I posted about how it was confirmed that I was actually feeling something. Well, it turns out that this particular saga did not end with those two posts.

Thursday evening, while sneaking out on a date with my wife, she reluctantly told me that something strange happened the night before. Now, I know none of you know my wife, but when she says something happened, it happened. She has never been very open about her abilities (even with me), and has never given me any reason to doubt her about these things. So when she told me that something happened in that certain reluctant-combined-with-worry tone she gets, I listened very closely.

She said that she was visited in the night by ‘something’. She was already having a hard time sleeping, so she noticed the entity right away. It got really close to her, stared her in the eyes, and implanted a message. She sensed that this was a horribly malevolent being, so she remained still throughout the entire visit. The second visit that night was just the same entity standing in the corner of the room, staring at her for a couple of minutes. The really odd part about the encounter is that it gave her a warning about me, and the direction I’m heading with my magic.

When she told me the exact message, it reminded me of the old mob movies I used to see: “Your husband betta’ pay some protection money soon, it would be a shame if somethin’ terrible happened to his barber shop.“

In all seriousness though, it does bring a few big questions to mind. Why would a malevolent spirit just decide to ‘pop in’ at night and deliver a friendly warning about me? That doesn’t make one damn lick of sense. I consulted the cards about the message that he delivered, and they said that there was major deception involved in it, which is hardly surprising. So then I have to ask myself: Which of my current magic projects could illicit such a response? My mind instantly went to my research into spirit binding.

I’m still in the early stages, and will still be a while developing everything I need to actually complete the process for the first time, but it’s the only thing I can think of that would cause concern to a non-corporeal being. The good news (at least to me) is that I consider the warning a big indicator that I’m on the right track. The bad news is that I’m apparently being watched, and that the element of surprise I was hoping for has been lost. The nice thing about what I’m designing is that I can do it without any surprise needed. I just really like to keep my cards close to the chest until I’m ready to play them.

I don’t plan to change one damn thing that I do because of the warning. I think the ‘warning’ is just additional confirmation that there is too much potential there to leave it alone.

The unnamed blog post…

I don’t know what the heck I should name this blog post. So, it shall be officially unnamed. That being said, let’s move on to more interesting business.

First, a little bit of housekeeping. I have family in town so that might make my posting schedule for the rest of the week a bit wonky. Secondly, I’m leaving for a business trip on Saturday, and I won’t return until very late on Tuesday. Expect no posts. Even Wednesday could be an issue because I will be out of my office for most of the day. So, don’t think I’ve given up on journaling my progress, the rest of my life will just pull me away for the majority of a week. The week after, I’m moving, so no guarantees as to the regularity or timing of posts either. Yeah…it could be a couple of weeks of silliness before things get back to a steady rhythm again.

In other news: I’m working on something kind of strange right now. Yes, strange even for me. I seem to be getting some messages from somewhere else. Where? I have no idea. Are they real? They might not be. I could be hallucinating, I could be having some residual effect from my dreams/meditation, or it’s a possibility that my mind is just being creative in ways that I’m not used to. Now that the skeptical part of me has flowed out of my system, there are other possibilities too. It could be a spirit, it could be divination, or it could be some psychic leakage from someone.

What I’m getting so far is a very dark message. It seems there is a force that thinks it is going to take control of the world, yet it knows of its own fall from power. It also seems to know where the cause of its fall from power will come from. How odd is that? It’s all a bit cryptic, so I don’t really understand everything. A lot of it seems to be metaphor, and those get a bit tricky to interpret. So, perhaps it’s just the ramblings of an unsuspecting madman, or perhaps its something more. Who knows? I figured that I would see how long this lasts, and collect what I can before I post it. I don’t see a point in putting it out there if I have to keep adding on to it constantly.

Things are getting a bit awkward…

As I move forward in my training, the one thing I notice more than anything else is that I’m starting to build belief in the process.  This belief has changed my outlook on life very dramatically, and it is becoming quite difficult to keep my mouth shut at times.

A little bit of history about me:  I was raised in a loosely Christian household.  We went to a Methodist church, which is about as loose as you can get and still be a Christian denomination, and God/Jesus were not really talked about as a part of our daily lives.  We never talked about religion, we never said grace; I guess other than the fact that we went to church on Sunday, you never would have guessed we had any religious beliefs at all.  My dad was the primary reason we went to church.  It was something he grew up doing on Sundays, and he figured it would be good for us to be exposed to it.  My mom’s side of the family never went to church or spoke about religion that I can remember.  My grandmother and grandfather were immigrants, and were very secretive about everything that had to do with their homelands.

A couple of years after my mother died our church got very internally political so we stopped going, and never went back.  It made no difference in my belief system at all.  I never believed anything they said at church, so I really didn’t have any faith or belief to move away from.  It eventually evolved from apathy to atheism, which fit me just fine, and lasted me well into my mid-twenties.  In my mid-twenties I decided that I wanted to be a part of something, so I hooked up with the local Catholic church and went through their RCIA program.  Why the Catholics?  Well, there were a couple of reasons.  First, I liked the fact that their services were very respectful and didn’t have people flailing about like the evangelical jackasses do.  The other thing that I really like is most of the people were very, very active in practicing what they preached.  I know other areas may be different, but in our community the Catholic church parishioners do tons of excellent stuff.  Despite my changing beliefs, I still know many of them and respect what they do for people in our area.

Being a part of this group had me doing missionary work inside of our state prison, playing and writing music for services, and volunteering where I was needed on a regular basis.  I had a good time, I enjoyed the people, and I liked the work we did.  So what was the problem?  I didn’t believe any of it.  I spoke a good game and I even walked in the path, but inside I knew it was all garbage.  Hell, I was even really, really good at apologetics, even if I didn’t agree with them at all.  I eventually parted ways with the church and went back to my original mixture of apathy and atheism.  It served me well until I had an interesting experience.

I had heard of EVPs for years and had just written them off as rubbish.  Then, I had an opportunity to go hunting for EVPs.  I decided that if I was going to go, I was going to debunk them.  It was my duty as a rational human being.  So, for the hunt I bought all new equipment, new media, and kept them under my strict control until the time of the hunt.  I was within visual range of every piece of equipment during our outing, and to my surprise we got a really clear EVP.  The truly shocking part is that it came off of my recorder.  I know that nobody tampered with it because it never left my sight.  I controlled everything through the experiment, and we got one anyway.

This made me think that there were things I couldn’t explain out there, and being a knowledge seeker (almost to a fault), I decided to learn more about what was out there, and the ideas surrounding them.  To be honest, most of what I have found is total crap.  I wouldn’t give you a nickel for more of the information that’s out there.  Getting a hippie high, rubbing stones on his nipples, and treating what he says as gospel is even more unreliable than mainstream religion; and that is very, very sad.  I’m glad that some people are fulfilled by that stuff, because it makes me giggle and then want to throw up.

The primary reason that I am drawn to Chaos is because I can control the input and record the output.  Are the results a placebo effect?  Could be.  Do I care?  Nope.  For me, it works.  There is no dogma, there are no rules, there is nothing but the way you choose to affect your reality.

I’m becoming so comfortable in it that I find myself taking little jabs at other religious groups, at times even to their faces.  I try to be respectful, and I’m really, truly happy for those of you that find comfort in other traditions, but you just can’t hop around and jabber at people like they agree with you.  Outside of this blog, I will never be the guy that brings up religion, but if you start trying to flail me with your beliefs I will do what I need to get you to stop.  I’m not usually overtly rude, I just like to stymie people a bit because it tends to shut them up long enough for me to escape.  I laughed out loud at a guy who ran up to me and declared that Jesus loves me.  He stopped dead in his tracks and just looked confused.  An evangelist accosted me in the occult section of our local Barnes & Noble and asked me if I knew Jesus.  I simply told him that I knew all about him, but I was more of a Batman fan.  As he stood there, mouth agape, I just walked away and went about my business.

I’m not in this to torment people, to turn their faith, or even to make them question what they believe.  I just want people to leave me the hell alone.  When asked what religion I am I usually say,  “I’m something different. “  When pressed I usually just tell them that the specifics are not important and I move on to something more pleasant.  If people ask at the office, I just tell them that religion and politics are two things that I refuse to discuss at work.  It usually works just fine, and people let me go on my merry way.  It’s the ones that insist on being a part of my personal life that get messed with, but only to the point of creating an opportunity for me to exit.

In some areas of this country there is true religious freedom, where I person could walk around with a ëHail Satan’ shirt on and not get into an altercation.  In rural America, that’s not the case.  Christian beliefs are embedded into government and businesses, and there isn’t one thing anybody can do about it.  They know the rules, and they know how to have things happen behind the scenes so it is very discreet, and there are too few people in our community for you to get away with being a whistleblower.  My strategy is to do my homework so I can fit in when I need to, and it has served me well.  I can be what I need to be at any time to get ahead.  For those of you who haven’t tried it, invocation can be one of the most powerful forms of magick available.

Remember:  Nothing is true, everything is permitted.

The problems with desire…

I wasn’t raised in the occult.  I was raised in a fairly normal, church-going, Christian family.  There wasn’t much focus on religion outside of church, but our family seemed to hold fairly well to Christian morality and ethics.  As I grew up, and the family changed, I became an atheist.  Being an atheist I figured out that if I wanted something, I had to make it happen.  I learned to set goals, to make a plan, and to work towards what I wanted.  While this is a wonderful trait to have in life, it has created some problems with me working with Chaos Magic.

The problem is that I desire very little.  Let’s see, what was on my list before?

* Great marriage  – check

* Beautiful, intelligent, well-behaved child  – check

* Education in a field that I can excel in  – check

* Career that I look forward to every day  – check

* Clear and realistic path towards early retirement  – check

* Lack of money problems  – check

* Nice house with a private office  – check

* Relaxing, fun-filled quality of life  – check

I’m not bragging about how wonderful my life is, I’m just having a hard time finding long-term goals at this point in my life.  I’ve worked really hard, and I seem to have moved on from the striving stage to the relax-and-enjoy-your-life stage.  The problem this brings about with magic is: if I honestly desire very little, what am I supposed to cast spells to manipulate?  I truly enjoy my current reality, and I don’t think it really needs any kind of bump at all.  While I know that this primarily has to do with the effort I put into it, I wonder sometimes if all of the opportunity that has presented itself along the way wasn’t the effect of a retroactive intention I had in a different future.

I’m not going to take anything away from the active role I’ve played in my own life, but along the way there have been tons of opportunities that were just a little too coincidental.

For example, I have always been a creative guy.  I was told at a young age that if you wanted to starve to death, all you had to do was go to school for something creative (art, music, etc…).  So, despite my constant interest in creative arts over the years, I got my degree in a business specialty.  It’s about as far from creative as you can get; it’s almost entirely cerebral.  I went to work in my degree field, but within just a couple of years I was a creative professional, developing artwork as a full-time gig for the company.  It’s not like I could even apply for the job, it never existed.  My current position was created entirely for me, and has never existed in this company before now.

I know it’s probably not the best example, but it’s only one of a whole series of highly unlikely events that have taken place over the last ten years.  Yes, I had to take the opportunities when they presented themselves, but the opportunities have always come up at just the right moment, and under the most unlikely of circumstances.  That’s what makes me wonder if I didn’t nudge things a bit in the future, and those opportunities are what has led me into such a good life in the present.

I just need to find out some additional things to want so I have a reason to work magic.  I think I may have to stick with esoteric topics for my spells, as my physical reality is just exactly what I desire at this time.

Conjuration One – Sorcery Evocation

Last night I started my journey with the Liber KKK. The first part of the training is the sorcery area, and I started at the absolute beginning. I created two (as suggested as an alternative) different fetishes; one to implement force of will, and the other to bring me knowledge and information.

As my representation of the force of will, I made a coiled serpent, ready to strike. My information and knowledge fetish is a very simplified owl form. Both of these items were made out of candle wax, which I molded in layers while still in liquid form. Yes, it got incredibly hot, and the process required a few breaks for finger and hand cooling. After I was satisfied with the construction of my fetishes, I anointed them with my blood and placed them in a prominent place in my home, and named them Socrates and Lazarus. When I move into my new home, they will reside in my private office, making conversations with them much less awkward than doing it in front of the rest of the family.

I’m not sure about when to move on to the second conjuration, or if it’s even necessary. I have been a student of the Tarot for many years, and I am quite familiar with how the divination process works with them. I read the warning about it being too difficult to use during the shamanistic portion of the training, but my familiarity with the tarot would make it easier for me to interpret than a set of simple runes would. I like my rune set, but they provide such a simplistic set of answers compared to the Tarot that I find them vague and irrelevant.

I’ll ask Socrates and Lazarus how they think I should proceed.

About this blog.

This blog is about Chaos. Not chaos, but Chaos.

As Wikipedia puts it,  “Chaos magic is a school of the modern magical tradition which emphasizes the pragmatic use of belief systems and the creation of new and unorthodox methods.” The foundations are set forward in Liber Kaos by Peter J. Carrol. It’s worth buying a printed version. It’s a fabulous resource and training manual for anyone interested.

I don’t plan on going into religious debate, apologetics, or deep explanation of the underlying theories of Chaos, I’m just chronicling my own experiences.