The red pill, or the blue pill…

Soon, I will be facing a turning point in my life. There will be a choice that is paramount to the direction the rest of my life will take.

As I’ve said in previous posts, there is an uneasy similarity between occult involvement and psychological disorders. Hell, if you look at the questions on a Schizophrenia screening quiz, the better you are at magick, the higher you score towards psychosis. And, to that and, I will have an appointment with a professional soon to see what their take is on my current mental state.

I already know how it’s going to go:

* Standard background questions about family history
* Those answers will evolve into questions about my current state and how I relate them with my past
* Then we will talk about my current coping skills and how effective they have been at curtailing symptomatic progression
* The doctor will discuss their perceptions and make a treatment recommendation based on their findings

It’s pretty standard stuff, right out of the psychiatry handbooks. The only problem is they won’t like any of my answers. If we look at the visit as three parts (background, coping, and progression) it makes it a lot clearer as to the problem.

The first part is the background, and doctors have never liked this with me. I have a family history of psychological illness that blows their minds. They are usually encouraged that while my family is nuts, we are very functional in our daily lives, but it is two strikes against me before I ever have a chance to take the plate. In the past, this was no big deal, as I always knocked it out of the park on the next two questions…but that won’t be happening this time.

The next two questions will strike me out, and possibly carry over into my next at-bat. As a part of being into Chaos and such, I have dropped a lot of my normal defensive mechanisms, so in the eyes of Psychiatry, my coping is suffering, and my symptoms are progressing. The part that has me really bothered is that sometimes I can’t tell if I’m progressing in magick, or if I’m just doing a good job of mind-fucking myself. One of the problems with believing in Chaos, is that you also have to believe that all you are really doing is tweaking the odds…and this means that things that you were trying to do could have happened anyway. Giving yourself credit for everything that goes according to your desires, even if you had no real hand in it, is called being delusional.

Now, I know some of you are going to think what I’ve read all over occult boards: that doctors are quick to label people that operate outside of the social norm, blah, blah, blah… I know those arguments. I have heard them, I have said them, and I still believe in them. The problem I’m facing is that this isn’t a game. If it was just me, by myself, when I was in my early twenties, I would roll the dice and let them land where the universe wills it. I can’t do that anymore because I have too many people that rely on me. It wouldn’t be fair to my wife, daughter, or father if I let their entire existence crumble around them just because I wasn’t willing to explore all the possibilities available to me.

The other factor that’s a part of this is my family history. I’m the only one that hasn’t had a massive breakdown. In my family, the lucky ones have irreparable long-term damage to their cognitive abilities and stability, and the unlucky ones end in tragedy. Mental disorders have plagued my family like a cancer of the psyche for generations now, and I don’t want to be the next casualty of the illness.

So, as my appointment approaches over the next few weeks, I will have a lot of thinking to do. I doubt there will be a happy synergy between chaos and modern psychiatric treatment, so I will have to seriously weigh the options that lie before me. I know there will be medication recommendations, and if I decide to go that route, my mind will be cut off from everything that I have worked for with Chaos. I believe that it will still be out there, but those kinds of drugs seem to instantly throw the clamp on extra-perceptual experiences. And if they don’t, they up the dosages.

The blue pill will make me mundane, but preserve everything that I have created for my family…the red pill will let me explore the very nature of existence, the universe, and life, but may come at the cost of my family, my sanity, and even my life.