The conundrum of mental health…

I’m noticing a strange trend. When you’re a happy Christian, everyone things you’re this really grounded, wonderful person. Once they find out that you’re anything else, they try to slap psychiatric labels on you.

The moment you come in contact with something outside of meditation you’re a Schizoid. Don’t fit well in a group of people? Schizotypal. Don’t give a shit if others approve of what you do? Narcissistic. Don’t bind yourself to Christian ideals? Antisocial.

The real kicker is, they want you take pills so you can conform to their ideals. If you don’t you’re Paranoid, which is just another reason you should take their pills.
Yeah, I know I have some issues going on, but damn…choice of religion is not an illness, it’s a right. Working really hard to make spiritual progress and breakthroughs isn’t hallucinatory, it’s a result.

I said it on Twitter the other day, and I’ll repeat it here: Just because you can’t hear the voices doesn’t mean they aren’t speaking.

If it’s something that bothers you or can bring to yourself or others: seek treatment and play by the rules of your medical team. If they just don’t like the way you live your life: tell them to fuck off.

The great conundrum…

I’m facing a bit of a problem and I can’t figure out how to solve it.  The problem is that different parts of me are in control at different times, and I can’t seem to reconcile the differences between them.

During my days I am a hard-working, creative person; I work non-stop from the time I get to the office to the time I get home, and I produce more deliverable content than anyone thought possible when this position was created for me.  I’m anti-social, but this comes from a combination of factors.  The first being that I get massive social anxiety when I have to deal with more than one person at a time.  The second part to it is that I am here to produce, not to make small-talk with people on the company dime.  The work ethic and the lack of social interaction outside my department turns me into a highly-celebrated production machine that is constantly shifting our paradigm of what we can achieve and how fast we can do it.  This carries into my personal life where I play hard, laugh hard, love hard, and sleep hard.  It has always been my way, and I’m entirely accustomed to it.

The problem is that when I start meditating, this portion of my personality completely disappears.  It’s just…gone.  While this makes meditation an amazing way to relax, it creates a bit of a problem when trying to use my meditative states for the purposes of magick.  Once I get into a deep enough state to create beings, animate fetishes, and all that other wonderful stuff, I just don’t care to do it any more.  All I want to do is sit in my sacred place and relax.  I have to consciously make myself stop at the end of my sessions, or I would just sit there, indefinitely, in a meditative state.  So my new quest becomes giving myself the will to act on my will while meditating.  It even sounds kind of silly when you think about it.  I’m contemplating using some of the Sorcery methods that I learned in the first part of the training to see if I can get my will a bit more in focus.

This also brings up a reminder about magick:  Be careful what you wish for.

I never used to get this deep, so I never had to worry about this situation.  But, since I have made my meditation enchantment, I have been able to get into states so deep that I have a hard time wanting to come out of them.  I would never think of destroying my meditation enchantment, but I will have to do some work to maintain a level of control and intent while I’m in those deepened states.

Just a little bit of relaxation…

Yesterday was a big day.  Not a bad day, just lots of things pulling me in tons of different directions, some of which can be very stressful.  So, I decided to pretty much take last night and dedicate the entire thing to relaxation.  After dinner and a touch of shopping, my wife and I had frappes and watched the first disc of True Blood: Season 3.  I know…season 4 is already playing, but we wait for things to hit Netflix before we watch them.  After our two episodes were over, she took a shower while I did a bit of meditating, and we called it a night.

It’s the reason I built my lamp.  I handle stress poorly, and I need to start relaxing a bit more so my head doesn’t explode.  Last night was a step in the right direction for stress management.  Obviously, I have too much to get done to turn into a couch potato every night, but I think that once in a while is good for the psyche.  Besides, we won’t get our next disc in until Monday.

That’s it for today’s update.  Part of handling stress better will be slowing down enough to relax once in a while I guess.