Healing, harming, and war…

Points along the meridians.Illness in its many forms is a horrible thing.  It is usually hard on not only the one suffering from it, but also on those around them as they watch a person they love in distress.  One of the disheartening parts is when nobody knows what is wrong.  The symptoms may be there, but the underlying cause remains a mystery sometimes, which can kill hope as the light at the end of the tunnel seems to grow dim.

My wife recently had horrible pain, swelling, and a collection of other problems show up suddenly in her lower extremities.  As it progressed we were trying to find an explanation as to the root of the problem.  A lot of the problems were associated with a potential blood clot, so it became a very concerning situation.  To keep this part of the story short (which I rarely do) we finally narrowed it down to a rare side-effect of a medication she was taking.  We eliminated the drug, and about 70% of the pain left in just a single night.

The problem that remained was that she already has liver and immune issues, and her body was just left thrashed over the whole ordeal.  This left her quite weak and semi-ill even after the medication had worn off.  Being a fan of many eastern traditions, I have learned a bit about healing.  These traditions work well with what I have also learned in my own practices, and seem to compliment each other harmoniously.  So, combine a bit of the east, some chakra work, and a touch of the chaos, and you have the makings of successful healing sets.  We did it both for pain management before we found the culprit drug, and afterward to get her system smacked back into shape.

This whole little backstory does eventually come to a point.  First, over the last year I have worked on healing quite a bit.  I’ve come a long way with it, and have now had quite a bit of success.  That’s a long way from where I started, which was a complete lack of understanding about healing, and no idea which direction to head for learning.  Second, it rolls back to the baddie that has been lurking about for a long time now.  If you need to catch up, the last two posts (1, 2) cover a lot of it quite well, with a smattering of things sprinkled throughout some of my past posts just for seasoning.

The short version of the whole thing is this:  A bad creeper has been trying to mess with my wife for a long time.  He’s a remnant of some sort from her sister’s old boyfriend, who was a theistic Satanist.  He is the reason I went from studying magic and the occult to actually practicing.  Since both my wife and I have become more ‘in tune’ with things, he has resorted more to manipulating things from a distance rather than direct intervention.

I think that’s enough about enough about him for now.  I leave the vast storyline involving this entity off of here because it’s just unbelievable, even to those of us who are living in the reality of it.

Moving on:  So, C met this guy last year who had some of the same interests as her, and decided to hang out with him a bit.  We’ve never had a problem with either of us having opposite-sex friends.  We know where our love is.  But, something different happened with this guy.  She noticed there was an abnormal attachment to him.  If you look at my post about love, you’ll see that C  doesn’t feel things quite the way that most other people do.  So this kind of attachment felt entirely foreign to her.  For some odd reason, she was having a ‘normal boyfriend/girlfriend’ kind of connection with him, even though she had never experienced one before in her life.  Without the story getting too long, our little friend (who has become known as ‘The Dark Man’ due to the mixing of divinatory sources) made this connection with this guy when she was vulnerable after the death that crushed her last summer.  This actually happened with two people, but only one of them matters for this story.

We figured out that there was this artificial connection, broke it, and moved on.  C still communicated with him over text (and still does), because he wasn’t a bad guy, he just had a bit of help being overly attached to her.  Even though she broke the attachment, he never did, so that made her have to set some boundaries, but it didn’t mean they couldn’t continue to communicate.  Once in a while he would pop up with some grand idea about the two of them running away together to live in some random place doing a random thing for work (I think crocodile hunting was one of them), but C always politely declines, reminds him that she’s married, has a kid, and isn’t interested.  His most recent push caused a major problem though.

People have a hard time accepting the fact that C is fairly gender-neutral, and our marriage involves very little sexuality.  Our relationship is built on being intellectually challenging to each other, enjoying the quirks and nuances that we each bring into things, and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together as best friends.  We only got married due to familial pressures, tax benefits, and work benefits.  It didn’t change our relationship at all.  Little N was a planned baby, not the result of chance or too much nookie flying about.  But…C does love to tease.  Because of this she has tons of fun online, but people have a hard time interpreting the meaning behind it.  Some interpret it as ‘she’s into me’, others assume she’s a catfish, or they thing she is somewhere between bisexual and lesbian.  The real interpretation is that she doesn’t mind showing who she is, especially if she thinks it might ruffle your feathers.  With the way her brain works it’s nothing more than that at all, but people have a funny way of getting too serious about things online.

This interpretation of her sexuality led the guy she had been talking/texting with to assume that she was bisexual.  So, as a new plan to win her over, he proposed a third person (female) be introduced into things.  He told this new girl (who was apparently very ‘into’ him) that she couldn’t be with him unless she could convince C to come into the relationship as well.  C and I laughed about it as it unfolded, knowing that the reality of it would never come true, and how far his perception of what she actually wanted in life was from reality.  C and this new girl sent texts and got along fairly well, but (even if C was actually interested in things) there were no sparks.  The only thing that C could see going on was this gal getting more desperate as it progressed.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and moods are getting ugly around the house.  C and I don’t have a traditional relationship, so we don’t tend to be faced with the same problems that many couples are.  We don’t bicker, we don’t fight, we don’t let the petty shit of daily life get in our way of enjoying our time together.  Yet, there we were, in an abnormal situation where we were both pissy, Little N was acting like a butthead (usually she’s the easiest kid on the planet), and something just felt wrong.  C was born with a fully developed ability to sense things that I have only scratched the surface of.  This has allowed us to test each other in interesting ways that has guided both of us in our spiritual development.  Needless to say, she was the first to notice that there was something going on that was just more than moods and personalities.

All I ever got was a stuffy, oppressive feeling, but she identified that it was something affecting us that she couldn’t quite put her finger on.  It didn’t feel like an entity to her, it just felt like our house was filled with negative energy that was messing with all of us.  I consulted the tarot, and the answer it gave didn’t make sense to me.  The answer boiled down to this:

Someone you know has betrayed you with magic to destroy your love, and ‘The Dark Man’ has made it stronger.

I stay out of her wacky conversations and friendships with others, so I’m almost never privy to the details of what goes on.  I’ve done some blind readings (meaning that I’m totally clueless) about some of her friends and dug up things about them that they wouldn’t even admit to for many months.  It’s a skill I’ve gotten quite good at over the years.  But this reading wasn’t about one of her friends, it was a question about what the hell was happening around the house.

When I told her what the reading said and she instantly scowled and said a few choice words about the gal she had been talking to in the love-triangle situation.  It turns out she is a Wiccan.  So, a simple love spell was probably what was cast.  C is too different to be effected by a traditional little thing like that (see the love post).  The beauty of the whole thing is that ‘The Dark Man’ has had an agenda with the guy and C for a while now, and we keep kicking it out from under his feet.  All of a sudden this ‘we should be together’ magic gets sent out and gets in the hands of the bad guy.  He figured out the last time he tried to create love connections with C that she doesn’t work like that, so the best way to achieve his agenda is to first split up C and me.  So this fairly innocuous spell gets turned into a giant pile of darkness that settles over the whole family to try to tear us apart.

Once we figured all of this out, the problem was still there, but now we had a bit more information to work with.  Since this was obviously something that we hadn’t dealt with before, I prepared for war.

I was already familiar with many of the Wiccan casting traditions, so I didn’t have to do much reverse engineering how such a thing would have been built at its source.  The big problem was how to counter the force that our little buddy had put behind it.  Understanding ‘how’ people cast their spells is the greatest defense against them.  That’s one of the reasons I discuss mechanics very little on this blog.  First, my casting is typically for very personal reasons, so the methods are sometimes very personal too.  Second, I don’t think anyone can be told how to do quality magic, it’s just something they have to develop on their own.  Which brings be to my final point of keeping things secret for your own protection.  Too much info about practices can lead to vulnerabilities appearing, and it’s also a good reason to never cast the same way twice.  Do I use sigils?  Yup.  Every time?  Nope.  When I do use them, do I construct them using the same methods every time?  Nope.  Do I use reagents every time?  Nope.  When I do, are they the same ones?  Nope.  Do I always do ritual magic?  Nope.  When I do ritual magic do I have a set form that I use?  Nope.  Every spell, every intention, and every casting has to be customized to the need and mood of that moment.

This casting too was customized to the need. Since I didn’t know exactly what the need was, I went in with every trick I knew, and made up a few that I hadn’t used before.  I knew the things that I needed to address:

  • I had to learn exactly what it was that was causing problems.
  • I had to deconstruct the way it was cast to gain control over the origin.
  • I had to use that control to get rid of whatever it was.
  • I had to make a big enough showing to make our ‘Dark Man’ think twice before pulling crap like that again.
  • I had to appeal to the same authority that it was cast through to correct the wrongdoing that had been set upon our family.

Simple, right?  Yeah…not so much.

After a full day of planning, waiting for paint to dry (not a euphemism), studying the exacts of some Wiccan traditions, and other preparations, I had myself ready to go for the following evening.  One of the few rules I have is that none of this stuff can go down while Little N is awake.  Hopefully she never has to deal with this kind of nonsense.

The full process was huge.  I’m not sure how long it took me, but the entire thing probably lasted for over an hour.  I knew that I would need astral and physical work for this one, and that much going on simply takes a while.  Just getting into the astral can take a long time (or even not happen) if the mind/soul connection doesn’t want to cooperate that day.  After an unknown amount of mental prep work and slowly deepening meditation, I finally entered the astral.  Holy shit.  I had never seen anything like it.

In my experiences in the astral I have encountered a few places with terrain as we could traditionally consider it, but I find that most of what I am looking for (conversations with unbound entities) happens in the dark places; those places that aren’t designed for me to enter.  Many of these places exist in layers, with scenery and representations of the physical, designed to distract from the true nature of the astral.  There are various techniques to do it, but eventually these layers need to be stripped back to enter the ‘home turf’ of most entities and to be able to interact with them without illusion.  Without stripping away the illusion, a person can get in a lot of trouble out there.

1441175_19243069The…thing…that I saw was awe-inspiring and terrifying at the same time.  It was not an entity, it was the embodiment of an intention, and made of pure willpower.  The spark had started from the original spell, and had become twisted and strengthened into a behemoth.  It laid in the sky like a storm, stretching as far as the eye could see, and crushing everything underneath it with a shadow of oppression and hatred.  Above me was the center of the storm.  It had no eye, it just became pitch black with the thickness of its strength.  My admiration of what had been built quickly turned to rage as I realized the severity of what had been sent against my family for the selfish desires of the ‘Dark Man’.

When one finds oneself in this sort of position, it is good to know about the tradition that originated the spell.  Why?  Because many traditions don’t actually cast spells.  Stay with me now, and please don’t take offense.  I’ll start with the Wiccan belief system as an example.  It’s simple when you think about it.  You gather tools and reagents that represent the aspects of nature, you declare an intention, and then you make an appeal to a deity to make things happen (I know, I oversimplified it).  Christianity is the same way.  They have their 3 primary gods (creator (God), intervenor (Holy Spirit), and Messiah (Jesus)), and their array of demigods (Angels, Demons, and Saints).  When a Christian makes a prayer, they are not attempting to cause the change themselves, they are appealing to an authority to make it happen.  When these prayers, rituals, and other things are appealed to their respective authorities, an entity that represents the nature of the tradition and intention is what can actually do the work.  That’s why so many prayers and spells through pantheism, monotheism, or whatevertheism go unanswered.  There is another authority involved that gets the final say.  When dealing directly with magical forces, there is no intermediary, and nobody to decide what’s best for you.

Casting, praying, or any other type of action in this way also means that you are bound by the rules of the authority you appeal to.  I’ve even seen spells out there that appeal for others to be held to the same kinds of laws.  Ever hear of Christians praying for God’s will/law to cause judgement on a some sort of perceived sinner?  Ever see/read/hear a spell that calls for the law of karmic retribution to be enforced on someone?  These ‘laws’ are not universal, they are only present because people choose to act within traditions that come with consequence.  Some people seem to need that structure in their lives I guess.

The good news about all of that is, even if you’re not a part of that tradition, you can appeal to those same authorities for enforcement of their own rules.  I’m not Wiccan, nor would I choose to cast under that structure, but I can make an appeal to the authority that allowed the intention to be manifested to judge it under their own rules, and ask that those rules be enforced.  Part of Wiccan morality is ‘An it harm none, do what ye will’.  This spell was doing harm to my family.  Any love spell cast that would break a happy family apart for a person’s own desires is harmful, even if there was no amplification of the spell due to Dark Man intervention.  One of the other parts to Wiccan morality is the Law of Threefold Return.  Hopefully if that is enforced on the original caster it is based on the original intent of the spell, and not on the final manifestation.  That would be horrible.

So, that took care of the witch, now it was time for a show of force to let our Dark Man know that I’m not the small-fry that I used to be.  I have been receiving guidance.  Not from a new spirit guide (still don’t have a new one), but from someone who is a long story all by themselves.  This entity forced me to learn how to bring magic from the physical directly into the astral.  It took me a long time to learn it, but it was time for my big debut.

There was a lot of anger.  I have grown tired of being badgered by The Dark Man’s intentions constantly.  I’m tired of having to check out new relationships and happenings to see if they are part of something bigger than they seem on the surface.  It causes me stress in my life, and I don’t tend to handle stress well.  The blast was enormous and punched a hole through the center of the storm.  It slowly started closing back up, letting me know that it was hardly enough to vaporize it, but it had to shift inward to close, which meant that it wasn’t regenerating, it had been damaged and had to shrink to fill in the hole.  To put it in a way that we are more used to, I could make it bleed.

Knowing that I could cause change in something this big, I threatened the dark man and let him know that he was beaten on this round, and that I was going to destroy what he had helped to create.  I then left the astral and started the physical portion of the spellwork.  This is where I deconstructed the original spell.  I used some of my really big guns that I had been saving for special occasions.  Some of them were ‘gifts’ given to me by old friends like Lazarus and parts crossed boundaries that others refuse to cross.  I also made my intention clear to our little nuisance that my fight was in it for the long haul.  Even if it cost me my life, or meant that I couldn’t move on after this one, I would not relent until he was either driven away or destroyed.  Worse yet, I threatened to bind him.  That is like prison for entities.

It took nearly two days for the ‘storm’ to fully clear, but things did return to normal.  My wounds took an unnatural time to heal.  After nearly two weeks they were still mostly open and had developed almost no scab.  There was no infection, it just was just wide open like it had happened that day.  Over 6 weeks later there is still deep scabbing on portions.  Normally I tend to be a quick healer.  I can get a deep laceration and have it be gone in a matter of just a couple of weeks.  This one was different somehow.

I was also exhausted afterward.  It took a couple of days with a lot of sleep and naps to really recover from the ordeal.  It’s the biggest toll I’ve had on my body and mind since I started using magic.  I’m not sure if this kind of thing is like a muscle, where as you use it you gain strength and endurance, or if there is a finite amount that your system can handle.  I plan on building a focus that I can use in the future.  Something to channel the energy through that isn’t my body.  If it works, perhaps it can take some of the strain off of things of this magnitude.

Of course, in a perfect world, nobody would ever need to do things of this magnitude.  Too bad it isn’t a perfect world.

Sorry for the long delay between posts.  As you can see there has been some serious stuff going down, and a lot happening on the personal and work side too.  Life just gets in the way of making blog posts sometimes.  Then you poor devils have to put up with nearly 4,000 words at a clip when I do post.

D.S.

I haven’t stopped my magic…

I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted on here, some of that due to medication shifts, and the other part due to people sticking to me like damned flies because there is “something wrong with me “. If that shit isn’t annoying, I have no idea what is.

My Dr. listed off a bunch of crap that’s wrong with me and made a med adjustment. Everything should be stable in a week or two.
On to magic. I have been spending the last few days building the most awesome magical focus I have ever done. I’m not going to make it something like a a servitor just because I think the damned thing would come out entirely uncontrollable.

What I’m making is the collaboration of all the work in Chaos I have done to this point. We all know that items can be created to augment, or enhance, our ability to cast spells. A servitor is nothing more than an example of this with a personality and a free-will based around the parameters and restriction locked into it upon creation. The problem with a servitor, is with all the variables involved in making one, the damned thing can do things you don’t want them to, and they are much harder to get rid of than they are to create.

So the idea of this focus is the mother-load of the darkest energy I have ever been able to pull out of my magical resources. It will channel a mother-load of the dark stuff right through it whenever a spell is cast. There are a few things that have gone into the building of it that are really interesting, and perhaps even unexpected to the readers of this blog. Does anyone remember my servitor Lazarus? The thing I failed to mention is that I saved his body. “Why would I do such a thing?! “, my wife asked. And the answer is very simple. Lazarus had a profound effect on the physical world, even thought he was one of earlier creations. Something about the way he was made, the way he was given life, and the way he synched with my personality, made him a small, but powerful ally. I’m not going to revive him from the ether, but I will try to use the same spirit of direct, measurable, physical control in what I do with this new focus.

The focus itself is very morbid, but it needs a few things before the ritual that will give it power. The variables need to be considered and restricted within the binding seal, the right ritual needs to be designed, and the will be a lot of blood. The restrictive seal cannot be done in blood his time. It needs to be something that cannot be removed in any way to keep this thing contained.

The only piece of the puzzle is to create it as a focus, or give it a form. Lazarus first started as a fetish, and was later converted into a servitor. That’s probably best with this thing, if it turns out as powerful as it as designed to be.

I know i’m not getting a real human skull for this one, but a man can always dream.

I’ll keep everyone posted as to the progress on the mother-of-all dark foci.

D.S.

(A Lot) More about servitors…

Since my last post, I have had many questions asking for more clarification about servitors and other entities that people encounter. I am far from an expert on the matter, but I can definitely relate what I know and my experiences with the process. A good starting place is this article by Fenwick Rysen. It suffers from a few of the problems that plague Chos in general, especially since it only talks about sigils. Yes, they are a good tool to use, but they are far from the only way a well trained Chaote can get things done. They are more of a cheat for people who don’t want/aren’t able to spend the time to get into the true core of Chaos.

Definitions

In my last post I didn’t define things very well. I said this blog wasn’t going to be about teaching people, but I think this is going to have to be one of the few exceptions I make, just so people know what in the hell I’m talking about. Also, the terms servitor, egregore and fetish are all used so loosely, it’s only fair to express the way that I use them.

A servitor is simply a created being designed for some purpose. This entity has the functionality of whatever its creator has given to it, and its strength is limited only by the amount of energy put in to it and/or the abilities of the caster.

An egregore is just like a servitor, only it has taken on a will of its own. It can do things without commands, but will most likely stay within the realms of the intent of its original creation.

Those definitions are pretty much verbatim with the article I linked above, and serve in my mind as the working definitions.
A fetish, a term which I use occasionally in my posts, is merely a physical representation of the entity or force that you are trying to create. So, my crafted statue of Lazarus (my servitor) is the fetish, and Lazarus himself is the servitor. Sometimes I will refer to lazarus as a fetish, because that’s the part I interact with to give commands and receive information. Unlike others, I claim no developed psychic abilities, and I can only feel a presence if something is right on top of me or extremely powerful. I have to rely on a sensitive to know when my own creations have returned from their errands.

Servitor Creation

There are as many ways of creating a servitor as there are magical disciplines. It may be banned or taboo within some practices, but the tools needed are probably there, or easily obtained. If you read a lot of modern information on Chaos, almost every piece of it is based on sigil use. This causes me a major problem for a number of reasons.

One of the big reasons to use a sigil is to get your intent out of your consciousness and into your subconscious, which is one of the goals of Chaos in general. This creates a problem in that the destruction of the sigil, as is the practice of many Chaotes, leaves no physical link with the servitor. This physical link allows for easier communication, the ability to add energy easier, and destruction of the servitor is the need arises. If you don’t have this link, and you’re not sensitive in a way that truly allows you to know its presence, wellbeing, attitudes, intentions, and a myriad of other things, the physical link is one of the most simple ways of getting that information.

This physical link can be established by creating a ëfetish’, or physical representation, of the servitor. It is not part of the creation of the servitor, that is still done with the method of your choosing, but during the casting process you establish a link from it to the fetish, and a link between you and the fetish. The fetish simply becomes that physical link that allows us to have an easier time interacting with a servitor without having to cast a spell every time we want to send it a message. Once that link is established, orders can be given by simply talking to the item, which makes it easy and convenient.

Your other option, if you’re really against the physical link, is to get really, really good at astral projection and meditation. Then you can find out where your servitor is, communicate with it, and all the other things you need to do. The only problem with this method, is it takes a while. First, you have to be good at AP, and then you have to spend the time to do it every time you want to do something with your servitor. This is a challenging, time-consuming way to operate, which can lead to neglect.

The only downside to creating the link with the fetish and the servitor, is it take a whole lot more energy. Simple gnosis is not, in my experience, enough to create the binding in a single session. If sigils are the only thing that the caster is familiar with, I would recommend splitting the process up into much smaller spells, and building the whole thing just a little at a time. Also, a form a gnosis should be used that is a little more difficult. Sacrifice and difficulty of achievement creates a deeper, longer lasting gnosis, which can impart more energy into your intentions.

My best results have come from the use of Meditation for thoughtless Gnosis and implantation of intent in the subconscious, astral projection for Gnosis that causes visualization of intent and the actual formation of the entity, and the use of my own blood for pain induced Gnosis and energy from the personal sacrifice of my life essence. It’s not a quick and/or easy process, but it works well when done properly.

The Egregore Problem

There are a few ways that a servitor can become an egregore. First, conversion from servitor to egregore is usually a slow process, not something that is immediately identifiable as a specific moment in time when it happened. Most egregores I have encountered exist because they were intended to be an egregore, neglected, or just poorly designed in the first place.
Some egregores are made from the beginning to be completely autonomous entities with a broad purpose in mind. Of course, these can be benevolent, neutral, or malevolent entities, and may be autonomous, but because of their design, they are drawn or limited to interactions with certain people or things. A well built Egregore can serve a family for generations, protect secrets, or even torment an entire bloodline for ages.

The poorly designed egregores can be a nuisance, but are usually so weak, or so disjointed in their design, that they can’t influence much, and their presence is short as their intentions are easily drawn elsewhere. For example, if someone builds a servitor to help them get revenge on a certain person, and the target dies (whether from an untimely demise or from the decay of time), if the creator didn’t build some sort of self destruct into the thing (yes, you can do that, most easily by restricting where it can feed from), or doesn’t destroy it after it feels its mission is complete, it may have enough freedom in its created purpose that it can do what it wants. With a lack of target, our example servitor becomes an egregore, and would probably randomly cause problems for people that resemble somehow the original target, as they are still heavily drawn to acting out their created purpose.

The egregores that are servitors that were neglected in some way are the ones that I feel the most sorry for, and the ones I fear the most. These entities, depending on how they were designed, can be lonely, bored, and have a wide variety of intentions. Much like the poorly designed servitors, many will continue on with their original design, but some will be powerful enough to make their own choices completely. These entities can seek revenge for the neglect, and may continue a habit of this on similar targets. Some might need to feed and not have been taught to just take a little bit from many sources, and might be a heavy energy drain on the people it targets. There are all sorts of things that can go terribly wrong with a neglected egregore, which can also include being lonely and attaching themselves to people that don’t necessarily want or understand them.

So, egregores aren’t necessarily bad, they are just an indicator of many aspects of the person that created them. My wife has one that is a remnant from one of her sister’s previous relationship. Her long-time boyfriend was a powerful Satanist and adored my wife very much. After he left her sister, he eventually fell out of the occult, and the malevolent entity that he had created eventually became an egregore. So now there is an incredibly powerful, malevolent being that is a problem for my wife because it also has some of that love that the creator had for her, just in a twisted, neglected sort of way.

Final Thoughts

My best piece of advice is this: Make really specific servitors. Don’t try and make one that will be your mighty catch-all being, make multiple smaller ones that take care of specific tasks. I have one for information gathering, I have one for something akin to remote viewing (only far more diverse), and I have Lazarus, who is designed to be the interaction of my will in the physical and spiritual worlds. They all have self-destruct mechanisms, and they only have abilities that are within their design, with no decision-making abilities granted, and energy appropriate for their purpose. They are simply drones with only enough autonomy for what I assign them. It may sound like a really cool idea (and it is) to make something intelligent, autonomous, and powerful, but the maintenance and problems that come along with it just aren’t worth it most of the time.

As for what you do with a servitor, I can’t help you there. Everyone has their own goals and agendas. Just remember that your imagination, and what you’re willing to put into the creation, are the only limiting factors. Nothing is true, everything is permitted isn’t just some nifty slogan, truly internalizing it, and trying to free your brain from it’s own self-imposed limitations, is the ultimate goal. The more we can actually grasp the concept, the options it opens in our lives become entirely beyond our capacity to understand.

Involuntary Full Disclosure…

My wife knows that I practice Chaos, but she doesn’t really know any of the details. She knows I do a lot of meditation, some astral projection, and even draw a bit of blood once in a while. What she never knew was how I do what I do, or exactly what I’m doing with my magick.

The other night we were talking about spirits and such, and since my wife is a sensitive, she mentioned that there was a problem. There was currently something lurking around me. She said it had never been human, it was something else, but it was constantly around me. She said it seemed to want something from me. More specifically, it wanted me to cast a spell or do some other work of magick. She sensed that it was upset that I hadn’t done much magick over the past few months and was bored. It also started feeding off her. She said it wasn’t much energy, but it was annoying as hell.

She said I looked wide-eyed and just stunned when she was talking about this entity, and she pressed me for answers as to what I knew, since it was obvious I had some idea as to what was going on. So, I finally admitted that it was my creation. In previous posts I have mentioned Lazarus, one of my early fetishes, and it seems that he’s not very good with idle time. So, I had to explain to her that he was mine, and she was absolutely amazed that someone could create an actual entity. So, I explained more about some of the objects that are in my little sanctuary, and a bit more about what I do that she didn’t know about before. I still didn’t tell her about exactly how my rituals go, but she doesn’t need to know that, and imitation of those rituals probably wouldn’t work for her. Every Chaote has to design his own way of doing magick.

After our talk, my wife is fascinated about what I do, even though it is tempered by a bit of fear that it can actually do something. I explained to her my principals on how I do things, and which forces I am and am not willing to work with. She was a bit more comfortable after that, but she still has some reservations.

She told my brother-in-law about what we believe, and some of the stuff that I do, but it didn’t bother me. He’s so medicated these days that nobody would believe him if he ran around blabbing to everyone. Besides, if he does, Lazarus will have a new source of food.

Chasing the Magical Dragon…

The term ‘chasing the dragon’ has been used as slang for a specific type of opium use, but it has also been used to refer to the pursuit of an ultimate high. Many drug users in fact have problems with usage because they are chasing the feeling they had the very first time they used it.

This analogy can be applied to many things in our lives, including magick. As I have been getting back into the practice lately, as my person issues are starting to stabilize and more time can be spent elsewhere, I find myself ëchasing the magical dragon’ in a way. I still remember that very first moment of wonder as I realized that something I had done actually had an effect on things. That feeling of wonder and amazement, the thoughts of limitless possibilities, and the feeling of empowerment to know something that very few people will admit exists, was one of the most profound moments in my life.

Those paradigm shifting experiences happen infrequently, and some people have few (if any) in an entire lifetime. So I’ve been tweaking and massaging the way I do my magic to try to get another one of those moments. My spells are becoming more complex, my results more measurable and predictable, and everything is more powerful overall. But I’m still working on the same paradigm I was when that first spell kicked in. So, the quest for ‘that moment’ has continued.

I think my next encounter with the ‘dragon’ will come when I truly accept that the potential in Chaos is truly limitless. I am currently bound by my own perception and understanding of the natural laws that I observe and experience. This, of course, it total garbage, because nothing is true, and everything is permitted. And while this little statement is easy to say, the true scope to which it can be applied is something that is hard to internalize. It is similar to our understanding of infinity. Sure we can say, “It goes on forever, “ but truly grasping that ‘forever’ in our brains is truly quite a challenge.

So, off I go to Chase the Magical Dragon. So much of my magick lately has been Illumination that I need to get back into Astral Projection and Astral Spell Casting, because I believe that’s where my answers may lie.

The magic of self healing…

Lately I have been channeling my energy somewhere other than Chaos. Without going into details, I have had a very interesting life, some of which is outlined in the About section. Other parts of it are completely irrelevant to anything involving this board, so I don’t post it.

With that touch of vague information having been given, I will say that most of my attention has had to be on myself lately. The shadows of our past can reside in our subconscious as well as the intent of our will. These memories and events can shape who we are in ways that are similar to magick in their nature. They are part of our subconscious, and they affect our reality, but unlike magick, we didn’t necessarily have any control over whether or not they were placed there.

These events and experiences rewire our brains in ways that we can consciously realize, but they can also lurk about in the shadows of our minds, and have their own intentions. This part of us that almost feels like our ëother self’ can manifest itself in many ways including emotions, stimulus response, and even moments where we relive the events of our past.

For a healthy future, some of these need to be rooted out, exposed, and faced head-on or they will continue to feed and grow within us until they start influencing us so much that we can lose control over our own lives. Magick can help in this process through the process of illumination, but as with all things that involve the subconscious, it can be very, very ugly work that takes a long time to gain control over.

Don’t feel bad if this doesn’t all make sense, it’s like sitting in a room full of people who only tell inside jokes that they really don’t want you to get. But, it’s the only way I know how to explain what I’ve been up to without being one of those my-whole-life-on-the-internet attention whores that seem to dominate every form of media these days.

Be well, cast often.

Return of the presence…

Something…
In previous posts, I first thought I might be going crazy, but it turned out to be a really large spell effect that I was feeling. My boss had been gone since December 23, and returned yesterday from his little vacation.
I hadn’t felt the presence of the spell effect since he was gone, but upon his return, it was back in the picture. It hasn’t seemed to grow since I last felt it, which is good as I was concerned about it getting out of control due to its rapid initial growth. It still had the same active, agitating qualities that it did when it was here last time.

I find the presence of the energy rather unnerving. It feels very active and mischievous, which may be good as a spell effect, but it makes it a real bitch to work when it’s constantly around. I know that its presence at my work is entirely my fault, as the ether is very literal in what it provides you. It was my intention that he should experience the paranormal and unexplainable, but I never said it could only happen at his house, nor did I exclude the workplace from his experiences.

These unexpected consequences are the reason that we Chaotes must start small and follow our training. These little experiments are what teach us to think deeper to try to encompass all of these possible consequences in our thoughts, before we set our will in motion.

I was discussing this exact issue with my wife last night, and she asked what I was going to do about it. I told her that I figure I have three options:

* Dispel the energy and cast it again.
* Build a shield against the energy so it doesn’t bother me at work.
* Do nothing.

I’m not really interested in dispelling the energy and casting it again. The energy present is perfect for the job at hand, and possibly even better than I had imagined when I first built the spell. Getting rid of such a perfectly purposed energy seems like such a waste, and it’s nice to have it around once in a while, just so I know that it’s doing the job that I created it for.

Building a shield sounded like the answer for quite a while, but then I started thinking deeper. A shield against the energy, unless built just right, could have the potential to shield me from something else that I want to know about. Just because I can’t feel something doesn’t mean it can’t have an effect on me. Also, I haven’t done enough of this type of spell to know if this is what the energies usually feel like. If it is, shielding myself against feeling it could also leave me open to attacks by similar energies, irregardless of their source.

So, it looks like doing nothing may be my only good option for the moment. That feeling of nigh anxiety makes me consume tobacco like a fiend, but there are worse things than that. I’m not comfortable trying to manipulate which energies I’m exposed to at this point because I honestly don’t understand them well enough to make an educated decision.

I guess that until my boss has, and admits to, his experiences, I will have some strange times here in my office. Even with the Universe, it seems that all things come with some sort of price.