The great conundrum…

I’m facing a bit of a problem and I can’t figure out how to solve it.  The problem is that different parts of me are in control at different times, and I can’t seem to reconcile the differences between them.

During my days I am a hard-working, creative person; I work non-stop from the time I get to the office to the time I get home, and I produce more deliverable content than anyone thought possible when this position was created for me.  I’m anti-social, but this comes from a combination of factors.  The first being that I get massive social anxiety when I have to deal with more than one person at a time.  The second part to it is that I am here to produce, not to make small-talk with people on the company dime.  The work ethic and the lack of social interaction outside my department turns me into a highly-celebrated production machine that is constantly shifting our paradigm of what we can achieve and how fast we can do it.  This carries into my personal life where I play hard, laugh hard, love hard, and sleep hard.  It has always been my way, and I’m entirely accustomed to it.

The problem is that when I start meditating, this portion of my personality completely disappears.  It’s just…gone.  While this makes meditation an amazing way to relax, it creates a bit of a problem when trying to use my meditative states for the purposes of magick.  Once I get into a deep enough state to create beings, animate fetishes, and all that other wonderful stuff, I just don’t care to do it any more.  All I want to do is sit in my sacred place and relax.  I have to consciously make myself stop at the end of my sessions, or I would just sit there, indefinitely, in a meditative state.  So my new quest becomes giving myself the will to act on my will while meditating.  It even sounds kind of silly when you think about it.  I’m contemplating using some of the Sorcery methods that I learned in the first part of the training to see if I can get my will a bit more in focus.

This also brings up a reminder about magick:  Be careful what you wish for.

I never used to get this deep, so I never had to worry about this situation.  But, since I have made my meditation enchantment, I have been able to get into states so deep that I have a hard time wanting to come out of them.  I would never think of destroying my meditation enchantment, but I will have to do some work to maintain a level of control and intent while I’m in those deepened states.

Meditation, visions, auras, and whiskey…

On the mundane front, it was quite a weekend.  Any time you work on an old house, never expect things to go as planned.  There are terrible things that can lurk behind 91 year old walls, and they all need to be fixed if they are to see the light of day again.

On the more esoteric side of things the weekend was also quite busy.  The most notable of these happenings was last night while I was wrapping up from my weekend.  I decided that I should do a little bit of meditation to help me unwind from so much work over the weekend, and to help me mentally shift gears back into my normal work mindset.  As I was a bit sore from the physicality of what I had been doing for three days, I decided that a bit of whiskey would hit the spot to help relax the muscles.

With all that in mind, I decided that I would use the whiskey as part of a small conjuration to promote healing and relaxation.  I filled my shot glass, lit my incense, fired up a candle, set my binaural beat, and off I went into meditation land.  Lately I have been starting my meditations with my eyes open, and I just let them naturally close as the relaxation hits them.  I have also been incorporating some visualization techniques to help me to focus my mind when it is darting in uncontrollable directions.

As I started to settle into my zone, as usual, my vision started to change.  It used to take a mind-aching act of will for me to see auras, but with the addition of Horus (my eagle fetish) I can see them much easier, and sometimes unintentionally.  In my limited experience, most inanimate objects have auras that range from white to black.  Plants, people, animals and other living things are the only ones that I have experienced that have any kind of colored aura.  Well, the exception to that comes from rocks and crystals.  I have no idea what is up with those things.  I have seen rocks and crystals that have nothing more than a simple white/grey/black aura, very thin, and I have see samples of the same kind of rock/crystal that have a distinct, stable color.  But, we’ll save that discussion for another day.

The first interesting part of last night came when I noticed that my candle had color in its aura.  It was still the usual, thin aura it normally has, but this time it had a distinctive green color in it.  As the eyes-open part of my meditation went forward, I thought I saw a swirl of red move across the face of the candle, but it was only fleeting and never returned.  The green was still there and very apparent.

The big deal isn’t so much that it was there, but why it was there.  There are a couple of explanations that I can think of right off the top of my head.  The first being that it has always been there, and the additional gift of vision provided to me by my fetish is letting me see things easier and more clearly.  The second explanation that I can come up with quickly is that the candle has been a part of so many conjurations and meditations that it has absorbed some of the energy.  If this second option is the case, what does that mean?  Does that mean that the candle is unintentionally enchanted?  Does it hold some sort of power that I don’t understand like certain crystals/rocks do?  At this point, I don’t know enough to answer any of those questions, let alone why it now has a colored aura.  Perhaps I need to have my fetishes and other items join me in my next round of meditation and see what they look like when my vision changes.  I think that will help me move towards an answer.

Somehow, that didn’t interrupt my meditation.  I quickly slipped further into my meditation.  My eyes slowly closed, and I started my visualization techniques to help corral my thoughts as I got into the deep, dark recesses of my own mind.  Part of my visualization technique is I go into my sacred place to relax and meditate within my meditation.  It may sound bizarre, but the technique works very well for me.  It is a much different technique than I used to use, but the old technique led me to astral projection more than true meditation, so it was been reserved for that specific purpose.  My current technique gets me into a very still state of mind, even if my thoughts are not entirely stopped.  It seems to take so much mental energy to create this multi-layered state that all I’m left with is a single voice with no background noise.  If that voice stops talking, there is nothing but silence.  These glimpses into the absence of thought are powerful.  They make the visualizations that you receive seem more powerful and realistic.  When you still the mind, all you can do is watch what’s happening, without judgement or consideration of any kind.  It just is.

During my meditation last night I did a tarot reading.  It may sound odd, but it’s a great way to receive communication from your subconscious.  You need to plan for it ahead of time, and it needs to happen when you are devoid of thought.  Yes, this is a part of the Conjuration Seven  – Shamanic Divination from the Liber KKK, and last night was kind of a trial run.  I had no specific question, I just wanted to see if it worked, and what kind of information came out of it.  I have not spent the time to really figure out what the four cards I pulled were trying to tell me, but that will give me something to do this evening.

The whole process may sound a bit convoluted, but it’s all techniques that I have figured out thanks to the help of my fetishes and my meditation enchantment.  I haven’t done a ton of research on the topic, but I haven’t found information on anything like it.  But, it works for me so I’m not going to complain.  The best part is you can also multitask.  The primary intention of the meditation and conjuration was actually to help my whiskey work as a muscle relaxant.  I can’t take any aspirin derivatives, Tylenol doesn’t do anything for me, and my work tests constantly for drugs so I couldn’t take any of the old Vicodin I have laying around.  On top of that, I have a medication that doesn’t allow me to drink any large quantities, or even very often.  So, one shot had to do it, and after all of that it really hit the spot.

It was a lot to have happen in a single evening session, but I think it’s a sign that all is going well.  After about six weeks in my training, I would expect things to be happening more than they did in the beginning.  It’s all just a part of the experience of learning and doing.

The most amazing Tarot reading I have ever done…

This weekend was full of all sorts of surprises.  Some of them were fairly mundane, like the huge sale I ran into at Fred Meyer that let me get twice the new furniture I was planning on for my new house, while still staying $400 under budget.  Other things were a lot more esoteric.

I have two tarot decks that I really like to use, both A. E. Waite decks.  I have always stuck with the Waite cards as I believe they are filled with so much intentional symbolism that they really help guide my readings.

Back in July, I decided that I would take the deck through the same ritual that I use to enchant an item.  So, I stated my intent for the enchantment of the deck, went through the candles, incense, and meditation portion of things, and did a little bit of blood work to finish it off.  The cards were now bound to me as a sacred object, and I set about using them with their newly imbued energy.

I noticed a difference in the cards right away.  I had never done much with this deck so I primarily relied on the other one for my big questions, as it just felt more broken in and accurate.  All of a sudden, my enchanted deck started putting out specific, relevant answers even better than my other deck had ever done.  I shared this information with my wife, and did some readings with her, and she was impressed with the quality of information I was getting out of them, even if she did remain skeptical of the Tarot as a whole.  But, the reading I did on Saturday night may have put a good portion of those doubts to rest.

On Saturday, my wife said she had a question for the cards, but she wanted to see what they said without telling me any information at all.  The question was about the relevance of a dream that she had on Friday night.  Having never done an entirely blind reading before, I was a bit nervous.  This would be a big moment for a couple of different reasons: my card reading abilities were going to be on full display and the credibility of my cards was going to be put to the test.  Even after being involved with the tarot for many years, I still ask myself whether I’m really reading the cards, or if I’m reading my knowledge of the situation, person, and personal views into the cards.

There was no chance for me to do anything but read the cards at their true meanings, and see how the relationships between the cards laid out in front of me.  As I started to lay out the cards, I instantly knew I was in trouble.  The cards decided not to show me the relevance of my wife’s dream, but to weave a story.  The only thing I could figure is that it was trying to tell me what her dream was about.  With six cards out, I decided to tell my wife about her dream.  I’m not talking about some vague generalization like so many people like to do with the cards, but a specific timeline about her dream, with details that I would have had no way of knowing about.

I insisted on having no feedback from her at all until I was done, and after I was done with the first six cards, I asked her if she needed more specific information about the relevance and resolution to the situation.  She said yes, so I laid out a few more cards and gave her the pertinent information.  After I was done giving her the information, I let her tell me about her dream, and the cards nailed it DEAD on.  Just in case someone thinks that most of these readings can be applied to anything, I’ll give you the gist of what I told her last night.

Your dream had to do with our relationship and marriage.  It looks like we start out very happy, as we are right now, but then a dark force enters the relationship.  With this guy involved [he’s a recurring character in our readings] it’s something paranormal.  He pushes us apart and causes us to end our marriage in some way, and you end up heavy into religion.

I’m not sure about you, but that doesn’t line up with a single dream that I’ve ever had.  During the reading, I also supplied a lot more information than I did in the brief synopsis above.  As it turns out, it nailed her dream spot on.  Her dream was that we were living in a house and we developed a ghost problem.  The ghost became a real issue in our lives, and I refused to move out of the house.  She ended up leaving me, and with nowhere to turn, she converted back to the Church for solace and answers.

I consider this to be a direct hit.  Obviously, the cards can’t sit down and write you out a verbatim story of what someone is about to say, but this type of accuracy is just stunning.  There is so much in the tarot that has nothing to do with her dream that I could have very easily had a total nonsense reading.  I’m hesitant to post exactly which cards I drew last night, as some people are very strict as to their interpretation of certain cards.  I’ tend to be the person that looks for connections between the cards that tell a story, and I also look for recurring themes that run through our readings, as they can cain really nail down the specifics that you may not otherwise be able to figure out.

Anyway, it was a fabulous weekend with the Tarot.  I’m glad I went through all of the bother to enchant my deck; it seems to have made a massive difference in the quality of information that the cards put out.  They really passed the test as put forward by someone else, and the lack of information combined with the amazing accuracy and clarity really help me know that I’m not reading the situation into the cards, I am reading the cards for what they are.

Conjuration Three – Sorcery Enchantment

So, I gave a serious stab at Conjuration Three last night.  The post I had yesterday inspired me to make something that would help me in my meditation.  I made a smallish figure out of modeling clay, who is seated with his legs crossed, meditating.  My intention is to have this enchantment help me when I meditate to allow me to reach deeper levels.  With modern modeling clay, and quick oven-bake times, it was a fairly simple process to complete, and the size of the figure meant I didn’t have to use much blood to anoint it.

The Liber KKK recommends two to three of this type of conjuration should be done per week, which I don’t think is an unreasonable request.  With time, this amount will decrease as I involve myself deeper within the book, and spend more time learning the ways of Chaos.  It was a fun and interesting conjuration to make, and with the excellent finish I’m putting on it, it will make a welcome addition to my office.