Things are a bit different in Texas…

I’m a couple thousand miles away from home, so what better time to try. Some new tricks with entities I’ll never encounter again.
The first thing that I will say is that San Antonio Texas has a lot different activity in its downtown than I’m used to. Our area has lots of wanderers. Just random entities cruising around with different emotions. Some are lost, angry, or even just stuck in their home town for no apparent reason.
The other trick to doing any kind of work at home is my wife, C, is usually at home. She seems to light up like a beacon in the night so I fall into the background noise and am, not noticed as much.
Fire off some solid astral juice in San Antonio and things seem to take notice. I did a standard meditation and decided to do some astral travel but on a local basis. I spent a lot of time looking at myself in the physical and astral trying to confirm/deny some information had read lately and wasn’t having much luck.
I’m my brilliance I decided to travel to a nearby location and fire off a big burst of energy just to see what would happen. Well…shit happened. In the astral I got kicked by a surge of power and over me the sky looked like there was a funnel cloud coming down. I shot back to my room because I had no idea what was going on, but the spiritual energy was palpable.
The next thing I know I was having physical contact in my hotel room. They were just dark wispy hands, but I could feel them touching me. It was a good opportunity to try a technique I’ve been working to combat such things, and it was met with some, yet limited, success. It wasn’t anything too freaky, just a rare (for me) encounter on a physical level.
I didn’t try and communicating with it, I wanted to see if I could force it to go away. The one entity it worked on, the other seemed to pay me no mind. The one that I got rid of had ahold of my arm while the other kept messing with my face for some reason. I could feel the sensation in the physical and see the wispy tendrils in the astral. I MIGHT give things another go over the next couple nights to see if I can refine techniques with things that won’t have any kind of a chance of following me home. These two seemed to want something. It felt Ike they just wanted some energy, but there is no way to be sure at this point.
Apparently I can light up like a beacon when I don’t have my wife around to look more inviting than I do. I also tried to light up Ike a beacon which seemed to work.
Magic is all baby steps. It will be interesting to see what I stumbled on tonight and how I can use that in the future.


An absence of posts is not an absence of activity…

It’s been awhile since my last post, but a lot has gone on since then.  There are just some things that are a little too strange for words.  Yes, even for me.

Something big happened.  I mean really big.  So big that it’s made me take an honest look at myself to see if I need to be back on medications.  If you wrote the story of this whole thing and sent it to a publisher they would laugh if you wanted to put it in the non-fiction section, even though the story would be the real deal.

Without going into too many details (you wouldn’t believe me anyway) I will say this:  I have learned over the past few weeks that if you have a powerful, negative entity that is determined to manipulate someone, they can do more than you ever imagined to get that done.  This isn’t about throwing plates around your house or giving you the chills every time you walk past a bookshelf or something, this is far bigger than that.  This story involves a being that has been in pursuit of someone over multiple lives and has manipulated people and events over the course of decades to orchestrate a single event.  An event so bizarre that I’m not even sure it would make a good novel.

Luckily, thanks to some information from the ether, the event was narrowly avoided.  Now the entity is pissed.  Really, really pissed.  We’re not sure what it’s next move is, but if it’s anything like the last one we’ll never see it coming until it’s right in our face…perhaps not until after it’s hit us.  Part of the problem in the middle of all this is C’s spirit guide (whom she has never met) was unknowingly used as a tool in this and we’re not sure if he’s ok.  Also, I was informed by my guide that I’ve outgrown her and need to find a more powerful one.  That leaves us with two people caught in the thick of this nonsense that need to find new allies and we can’t even trust a new ally if we find one.  Why?  We’ve dealt with bad advice before and there is no reason that we couldn’t end up playing right into this other entity’s hands if we aren’t insanely careful.

I know I’m being incredibly vague, but I have to right now.  If I think about this stuff too much there is a part of my brain that just RAILS against it.  I have always been a skeptic and this situation is just too much for me at times.  I know that the pieces have all fallen together, and there are things that have happened that I can’t deny, but that logical, skeptical part of my brain is still trying really hard to convince me that I’m a nut.  Why?  it would honestly be easier to accept that I’m crazy than it would be to accept all the events that have gone on.  I wonder at this point in my life if I would consider taking a pill that would make it all go away and turn me back into a mundane, oblivious little peon that just coasts through life without having to worry about this nonsense.

I’ve done enough work trying to find answers over the last few weeks that it has been draining.  I think the one night I did over a dozen readings on a series of questions, I’ve meditated/traveled to consult with my guide, and I’ve even read a couple new books in the interim.  It’s such a big deal that there is no choice for it to do anything but consume my life at this point.  C and I keep it under wraps until after little N goes to bed, but it has dominated every conversation after that, and text/messaging during the day for weeks now.  The truly scary part is that we know it’s not total BS at this point as we’re starting to get medical evidence of some of the answers we got from our work over the last few weeks.

It’s entirely terrifying just because C and I have been into this stuff (different parts, same concept) for a while now and have bumped into some pretty ugly entities.  But this thing is unreal…it’s not even in the same class as what we have dealt with in the past.  It’s not leeching energy or causing little mischievous problems, it’s manipulating the lives of multiple people to change the future paths of incarnations of itself and others.  This thing is a big, big deal and can cause changes in the way events happen on a large scale.  I’d rather deal with a dish-rattler.

I don’t know what else to say about it right now.  Perhaps I’ll share the full story when we’re not still in the trenches fighting this.  I’ll be gone for about five days at a conference, so it will be nice to get away from everything for a little bit.  It may sound selfish to be glad to walk away for a couple days, but I need it right now.  This thing is bound to C so it won’t be coming with me.  If it does, I hope it doesn’t mind seeing me in a swimsuit at the hotel.


A new perspective on love…


Love (Photo credit: praram)

Strange title, no?  Love isn’t really the kind of thing I ever thought I’d be writing about on here, but things happen and I like to share them.

A week ago yesterday my wife’s sister’s husband’s brother (brother-in-law twice removed?) died in a car wreck.  My last post was about what to say to comfort those who are outside your own belief system, and this is kind of a strange extension to that story.

My wife’s life story is a really interesting one, and some of it we are still learning about in recent times.  One of the things we have learned is that she was born dead, and was actually dead for 5 minutes after she was born, and they don’t even know if she was dead while stuck in the birth canal.  So, her total time ‘not alive’ is an unknown.  We were only told this at my daughter’s birthday party in the beginning of June, so we’re still putting together some of the pieces of how that explains a fewe of her personality and problems.  She’s had her own psyc doc for a while and she’s never made sense to them.  She still doesn’t make any sense, but at least they have a good idea why.  I know…it’s a strange situation.

Anyway, back to the death.  So one of the issues she has is that when she’s under a MASSIVE amount of stress, her bowels shut down.   Funky?  Yeah.  It’s only happened three times in her life now, so it’s not a hard day at work makes her not poop.  We’ve had CT scans and all that good stuff and nobody knows why, it’s just the way it is.  Well, with all the death in her family (7 in the last two months), work, our little girl, and dealing with me, things got to be too much again.  The problem is that this time we couldn’t tell her to drop a class or something to lighten her stress, things just are the way they are.

The funeral for M was on Friday, and she was already having big problems by Wednesday.  She’s been watching his kids, prepping meals, grieving, and all those other things that come along with the untimely demise of a loved one.  So, Thursday night I devised a plan.  Being a loving person and caring for her overall well being, I decided to involve her in a ritual.  She couldn’t know what it was about, sometimes that has to be the way things are, but the goal was for me to ease her burden on Friday.  So, I setup a multifaceted approach to help her out.

In the ritual I set things up to give her a sense of peace, calm, and comforting when she came under emotional stress, and to pass what it replaced on to me.  I’ve recently been through so much therapy, including grief/mourning training, that I was willing to deal with the ramifications of lifting her emotional burdens for a day.  All of this was so she could receive a good experience from M’s funeral and achieve a very positive closure like I have learned to achieve.

The good news is, it worked!  The interesting news is, I had NO idea what I was in for.  That day, when she would have come emotionally apart, she really did get that sense of peace, calm, and comfort.  She didn’t know that was specifically what I did the night before, those were just the words that came out of her mouth.  So, I considered that a success.  The part I wasn’t expecting was how the ‘overflow valve’ that would send her emotions over to me would actually work.  It was WAY different than I could have ever imagined.

I think the first thing I should explain is that I really didn’t understand how naive I was.  Not about how well it would work, but about the way people feel.  There is a part in my mind that just assumes that love/hate/anger/loss and the entire gamut of emotions are the same for everyone.  I know we all may feel them stronger in different situations or towards different people, but I had no idea that my entire concept of an emotion could be wrong.

When I read about love, or even hear others talk about it, there are different traits that appear.  Some seem very hierarchical like ‘motherly love’, ‘platonic love’, ‘religious love’, or even the ‘love those we hate’ (I still haven’t figured that one out).  I can see the love people have wax and wane based on familiarity, time, positive and negative deeds, and even sometimes seemly their love can change on a whim.  I’m no stranger to these different ‘types’ of love.  I love my daughter different than I love my wife.  One is a ‘fatherly love’ and the other is a ‘romantic love’.  Right?  Does this make sense?  I’ve been asking people about ‘how’ they love others and ‘why’ they love others the last couple days, and so far it seems like everyone I talk to can use the same words and get into the same conversation about the concept.

Not my wife.  She has no idea what I’m talking about.  As a part of her psyc evals and therapy there has been a lot of talk about an “emotional wall” with her.  It’s one of the things that made doctors wonder about something in the autism spectrum before they found out about the whole ‘dead’ thing.  We’ve always talked about the fact that she doesn’t feel ‘romantic love’.  It’s just not there for her.  It’s not a problem in our marriage as I love her for many reasons beyond reciprocation of emotion, and there is love there, it’s just not expressed in the same way.  Or so I thought.

Back to Friday.  We go through the funeral, the reception, and the obligatory hugs on the way out.  I noticed that I was far more emotional than I should have been.  I think I met M twice before he died; both times at a holiday barbecue, so I didn’t even really have much of superficial connection to him, let alone a deep one.  So I’m getting all of this emotion, but my primary concern is to be there for C and to make sure she’s ok.  I even made a little ‘item’ for her during the ritual for her to use if I thought things were getting out of control.  But, she was fine.  She sat there and listened, remembered, and thought.  There was one specific time where I could see she was starting to get a big ball of emotion going and it just fizzled out and she went back to her peaceful state.  As designed, it came over to me.  Through the whole thing, she was perfectly peaceful and I was being bombarded by emotion.  After it was done I had to go straight to a meeting that ran late, and it wasn’t until it was done and I was heading home that I really had a chance to sift through the emotions and what had happened.

Through therapy I developed this unconscious process of dissecting and handling emotion.  My brain just starts picking at them one-by-one, rather than as a mass, examines them, comes to peace with them, and then moves on.  It sounds very formulaic, but it’s a coping skill that some of us need to learn.  One emotion at a time until all of them are handled.  Never try to handle them all at once.  That’s what makes pills necessary.

So I’m sifting through the day and I start having a hard time processing some of the emotions.  It wasn’t because they were so powerful, or that they were for someone I didn’t know, it’s because the way they were experienced was totally foreign to me.  The sense of loss, sadness, and all those others were running around in there and very normal to deal with, but they all revolved around love.  It makes sense, she knew M, loved  him, and lost him.  What I didn’t understand was her version of love.

C’s version of love is almost indescribable.  She doesn’t have hierarchies, qualifications (deeds, attitudes), and it doesn’t wax and wane.  I didn’t just get to feel her love for M, I got to feel it for every person that she met during that day.  Not everyone got the love, but those that did all got the same love.  She loves M as much as her brother.  It’s the same with T (M’s brother, my brother-in-law) and her mom.  It’s the same with me and Little N.  Her love doesn’t change based on the person…at all.  As far as the love aspect goes, there would have been no difference if it was anyone that she loved in that box, the emotion would have been the same.  Period.

I didn’t just get to understand the way she feels love, I got to feel love the way she does.  I felt love as her on Friday.  It wasn’t sympathy, it wasn’t empathy, I felt her loss and her love for M as if I was her.

You know what?  It absolutely humbled me.

I have never felt anything so whole and unconditional in my entire life.  Ever.  It was so pure and true that it honestly makes me wonder if I even really understand what love is, or if I can truly know how to love someone.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  She could have explained to me that he love was different a million times, and I would have just tossed it back to the old ‘she can’t express romantic love’ statement.  Now that I have experience the way that she feels love, I know why she doesn’t feel romantic love; she’s completely beyond it.  It is a whole  and entire love like I never could have truly understood unless I had experienced it myself.  It’s almost more like a soul-link to others.  She admitted that once she loves a person there is nothing they can do to ever change it.  She would separate herself from them if it was needed for her physical or emotional well-being (she’s not stupid), but the love would still remain.

There is only one exception to that, but I won’t really touch on it here.  The love is still there, but link has been severed.  What love was there is still there, but with the link severed, the love cannot be nurtured and grown anymore.

I know I already talk some seriously nutty stuff on here, but this one makes me feel like a total loon.  Experiencing what I did on Friday is making me reevaluate everything.  I want to love like that.  Having a taste of it and having to let it go is honestly disheartening.  I want to be able to feel that way for those I care about.  I want to be able to show other people what that pure, whole concept of love really is.  All of the poems, songs, and philosophy ever written cannot compare to what I got to experience on Friday.  To be one of the few recipients of that love makes me feel like the luckiest man on the planet.

Understanding that love will be part of what consumes me for a while at least.  It was like getting a small glimpse of how I want my soul to be.

She feels bad that I carried that emotion for her, I feel bad that I had to let it go.  I think it’s possibly the single most powerful spiritual thing that has ever happened to me, and the one that has also made me feel the most inadequate.



P.S.: The fact that my ritual worked that well makes it one of the most awesomely powerful things I’ve ever done with magic.  The true lack of boundaries within Chaos is still hard to fathom in its entirety.  I need to figure out how this can even happen within Carroll’s probability formulas.

A good time to just shut my mouth…


Death (Photo credit: tanakawho)

So there was a death in my extended family a couple days ago.  My wife knew him well, but I had only met the guy once.  He was quite a different type of personality than I usually spend my time with, so it was only brief small-talk.  Nothing against the guy, there are just people who you click with and those who you don’t.

So he died over the weekend, which obviously causes a lot of turmoil in a family.  Not being terribly connected to the death, I become the comforter as it’s easy for me to be calm and mellow for people.  The problem I’m facing is this: People want comforting words about the death.

That may sound like it isn’t much of a problem.  For parts of it I’m even quite good at it.  I’ve experienced the death of a parent at a young age, so I have gentle and reassuring words in that regard.  I’ve spent enough time in therapy to know to encourage people to go with their emotions and find their own ways to grieve. The problem comes down to when people start asking about the more religious/spiritual aspects and what they should do or what is happening.

In that regard, most of the things I have to say wouldn’t be comforting to a Christian or most other main-stream religious people.  The soul, death, the afterlife, and all of those topics are things that I hold very different beliefs about, and I refuse to just tell people what they want to hear.  So the only tactic I’ve had is to either just shut my mouth and let them spew, or to turn it into a question.  When asked, “Even though he was drunk/high/sinner/whatever, do you think he’ll still go to heaven?”  I’ve been asking things like, “Well, what do you believe will happen?” and letting them roll on their own beliefs.

I think people are starting to see through it though, and the last thing I want to do is piss on someone’s beliefs in a time of suffering.  I seriously doubt it would go well.  The words that would I would want to hear are definitely not things that would help them at this point.  It’s really a sticky spot to be in because I like to help people when I can, but there are boundaries I set for the sake of others.  I think my unwillingness to talk about some of it is being misconstrued as ‘he just thinks he’s going to hell’ or some other judgement.

If someone wanted my honest answer, the best I could tell them is that I could try and find out.  Everyone’s death is unique, and how they interact with the afterlife can be different depending on a lot of things like their religious convictions, willingness to accept their own death, and even their own preconceptions as to what will be waiting for them (or not).  I have some tools (including my wife) that are available to get an idea, but that’s about it.  If they’re looking to know if someone is playing Scrabble with a specific deity, it’s a question that I feel that I should dodge out of respect.

On a personal note, illumination has been the key lately.  The ‘fake it ’till you make it’ mentality has been ruling my life.  I never realized how truly powerful the concept of illumination could be until I started applying it to non-esoteric areas of my life.

A little bit more reality change and I won’t even recognize myself.

IO Chaos!

Eyes in the darkness…

English: Singing Dog eyes glow bright green wh...

English: Singing Dog eyes glow bright green when light is shined on them in darkness. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I can’t believe that it’s been two months since my last post.  Little N had a birthday, vacations have been taken, and living arrangements are being shuffled.  In other words, I’ve been insanely busy and have been neglecting just about every online presence I have.  The good news is, something happened tonight that made me instantly want to post it on here.

Just an hour ago I was standing outside having a smoke and talking with my wife when I saw a pair of eyes looking at me in my peripheral vision.  I’ve misidentified things in my peripheral vision before, so I turned my head and looked right where it was.  Expecting it to not be there, I was absolutely stunned there were in fact two eyes staring directly at me in my neighbor’s driveway.  It was after about only a second that they turned and moved where I couldn’t see them.  It wasn’t one of those ‘they moved away the moment I looked at them’ kind of things, I stood there sand stared directly into them for what could have been an eternity.

The first big ‘wow that was odd’ thing was that they were a deep, deep orange.  Not quite red, but well on their way.  Now, it was twilight where I live, and my neighbor’s drive is covered, so it was really dark over there.  I couldn’t see a body or a lack of a body, so that part will be a mystery.  All I saw were the eyes.  Another big problem is that they were bright.  Not like they were glowing or anything bizarre like that, they were just colorful and clear like they were two feet away in a well-lit room.  The next interesting point is where they were located.  If it was a dog (and they did look like dog eyes) it would have been a massive beast.  Something the size of a Great Dane.

After I saw it, I told me wife and we went over and looked at the driveway.  What I couldn’t see from where I was standing is with where it was, and the direction it left, it would have had to move through a jet ski to move in the direction it left.  It left towards the back of the house, so if it was just a dog, it could have slipped out that way (through the jet ski).  It means it would have also had to tip-toe past two other dogs to do it.  Stranger things have happened, so I’m not discounting that possibility entirely.

The big thing was just meeting whatever it was’s gaze.  I have never seen eyes like that in full light, let alone in low light.  They wen’t that color of normal ‘dog light reflection eyes’ either.  I’ve never seen that color before in the eyes of any living thing.  It almost looked like a bad special effect from a cheap Sci-Fi movie.

I decided to ask the cards about it and it gave me (for once) a simple and clear answer.  It didn’t mean or want to be seen.  It was keeping an eye on me (usually things watch my wife) because it doesn’t trust me for some reason.  If it becomes a problem, I have the tools to take care of it.  I was specifically told to keep my wife out of any resolution should it need to happen.

So, there you have it.  It just seems to be a totally random encounter at this point that should amount to nothing.  I always love good news!

In other happenings: I am going to be more free to do my practice in the house as my father will be moving in a couple weeks.  He’s finally going to get a little retirement place and put his feet up.  This will free up space in the house and not create awkward moments when I get interrupted in the middle of doing something.  I hate that more than anything.  It will also give me a dedicated meditation space!  I think that’s the part that I look forward to the most.


Tales of a part-time atheist.


Atheism (Photo credit: atheism)

I’ve been spending a lot of time on Google+ lately.  I mentioned in a previous post that there is a really good occult community, but I also enjoy hanging out in some work related communities and an atheist community.  I’ve considered myself to be an atheist for most of my life, with only brief moments of theism fluttering through.  Even in my Chaos I don’t tend to use, or even recognize, any god-forms.

I have found it interesting lately that many atheists have very different definitions of the word ‘atheist’.  A theist is one who believes in the existence of a deity(s).  It’s very simple.  The ‘a’ that goes in from makes it ‘not’ or ‘without’.  So ‘atheist’ just means someone that does not believe in a deity(s).

This has created a slight problem for me.  I have respect for those that have belief in deities.  Faith is what makes the world go around.  The only problem I ever have with it is when it is shoved in my face with some promise of eternal damnation if not followed.  This makes me have to hold my tongue a bit in the atheist community as many of them are extremely militant towards anything that science hasn’t already proven.  It seems a bit ironic to me that many of the things they believe are ‘proven’ still aren’t by their own definition, but that’s a different discussion.

Many atheists try and wrap the ‘paranormal of any kind’ into the definition of non-belief.  That’s where I start to get pissy.  Atheist doesn’t mean anything but a lack of belief in a deity.  That’s it.  Nothing else.  Are there other things out there?  In my opinion: Yes. Based on the definition, that doesn’t exclude anyone from being an atheist hat believes in them either.

It’s sad, but it seems like even non-belief based communities have zealots and groups who see themselves as superior.

The other problem is that I’m not always an atheist.  It’s one of the things about Chaos that makes it great: I can do/borrow/use/steal from any belief system I want at any time.  I can also make things up on the fly and drop them at my whim.  Craig, the God of the Park Bench, can be my Lord and savior for an hour if I want, then I can laugh him off and never think of him again.  It’s part of how I roll.

So where does that truly place me?  I’m an atheist…mostly.  I don’t believe in god(s)…unless it’s handy.  So, how in the heck does a guy put a label on that?  I know we really don’t need to label ourselves to be defined, but sometimes it’s a handy place to start.  I consider myself to be an ‘Atheistic True-Will Atmannist Chaote’.  I guess I may need to change it to something like nigh-atheist or something.

It’s a confusing spot to be in.  Chaos just doesn’t seem to fit well into anything.  It gives me the freedom I need to seek out what I want, but without any restrictions on how I do it.  I don’t see anything wrong with trying on other peoples’ shoes for a while.  In fact, some of the best things I’ve learned have come from doing that.

It’s just been bugging me the past few days that people are so restricted in their definitions.  I thought that was something I would encounter less of as I walked farther away from mainstream belief, but it only seems to be getting worse.

At least I’m armed with enough knowledge to play a good ‘devil’s advocate’ for them.  I am awesome at Christian apologetics, so I can just run rampant in there if I want to.  I behave though.  For the mots part it’s a good community.

Besides, if I can be a theist any time I want to, I can be an atheist as it suits me too.

Teaching it to my baby.

Little N is almost three now, and she’s really starting to understand more and more every day.  She plays Cut The Rope on her Nook, she has her computer, and all sorts of little techo-weenie stuff.  She has the normal toys, she just doesn’t care about them at all.  An electronic family produces an electronic child I guess.

One of the things she has also learned is the concept of life and death.  I didn’t plan for her to learn it quite so early in life, although it is an inevitable and unpleasant lesson we all must learn at some point.  I think the basics were in her head due to the documentaries that we tend to watch, and when we were at the pet store it really hit her.  At first she thought that the goldfish bobbing near the bottom was a little funny.  Then two others came by and started taking some bites at him.  That’s when she got it and her laughter turned into a terribly cry that I had never heard before.  It broke my heart.  Even if it needed to happen at some point, most of us try to shield our children for things for a long time.  The innocence of youth is lost one goldfish at a time.

So, lately her biggest concern has been volcanos.  Why volcanos?  We have no idea.  My wife is a homemaker, so we can’t blame it on childcare, and none of us can remember having a show or any other such thing on television.  She even had a terrible dream that her grandpa was going to throw her into one.  None of us can figure it out.  It’s so damned strange.

For the last couple weeks she’s been gently pleading with me about keeping the volcanos away at bedtime.  “No volcanos Daddy.”  “No honey, no volcanos.”  To combat this I took a recent gift from her grandmother (a crocheted pillow with an elephant head in one corner) and poked in her bed one night.  I told her that the little elephant was made to protect her from volcanos.  There would be no volcanos so we didn’t need to be afraid of them with the elephant next to her.  If she got scared, all she needed to do was cuddle the elephant and it would all go away.  Of course, this is an easy promise to keep because we’re just not in that kind of area right now.  Our area used to be a super-volcano that has since migrated.  Everywhere you look in our area, there is some form of lava rock.  Jutting up out of a field, used for a foundation, and even some structures were built out of it in the 1920s and 1930s.  Most of the five-hour drive to Yellowstone, and you can see the flows are much younger than where we live.  Now that we’re done with the history lesson, let’s proceed.

This tactic of alleviating and channeling fear into the elephant pillow has worked like a champ.  It has done exactly what it was supposed to do.  I was thinking about it last night, and it was a small touch of magic.  We had intent, there was an item involved and there were outward actions.  Heck, there were even words involved when I explained what it was and what it did.  If you look at it in its most basic form, it’s magic.  If there was a volcanic eruption would it protect her?  No way.  The real part of it is that it has removed those fears from her.

People do this all the time for their kids.  Then at some point, they take it away from them.  To little N it works 100% the way it’s supposed to.  There are no volcanos and no threat from them, and that’s it.  I’m sure that some of you reading this blog (agree or disagree with it) have done some of the same things.  Why do we take this away from them as they get older?  They lose Santa (totally unsustainable, but a loss in their eyes), the elephant, and many other things they believe just because that’s the way they are.  My wife was always told growing up that the auras and sensitivity she has wasn’t real.  She suppressed it as hard as hard as she could until she met me.  After about a year she told me and my reaction was just kind of neutral.  I accepted it for what it was.  I was still involved with the Catholic church at that point and I still accepted there were things out there that I didn’t understand.

I think that’s going to be one of the hardest things around here.  Even if she accepts or even celebrates whatever she knows or can do, it’s going to receive a bad response her entire life. I just don’t want her to be ashamed or afraid of whatever beliefs she has, even if it is different from C and me.  Heck, if she wants to be a main-stream religion, I’ll be glad she found a home there.  Atheist with no occult orientation?  Badass.  I hope she challenges me on my beliefs, I hope she studies other religions and cultures as much as she can and just unsettles my own beliefs.

The thing that I do not want is to take that journey away from her, and I don’t want to let others take that away either.  Disagreement?  Fine.  Ending up as a bit of an outcast?  A shame, but acceptable.  Calling everything bullshit and trying to take that belief away entirely?  Piss off.  Leave the elephant alone.  Even if it seems silly in a couple of years, it doesn’t mean it never worked.  It just means that the need for it went away.  And last night while we were putting on her PJs, I gave her a kiss and told her to never let someone do that to her.

Perhaps I’m doing it right.  Perhaps I’m doing it wrong.  Either way, it will be her choice about her own beliefs.

I love little N, I love what I believe, and I will fight for her to the death.