The grand conundrum of free will and divining…

Lately I haven’t been doing much magic. A little bit of it has to do with the dark taint to things that I have mentioned before, but a lot of it has to do with my current state of mind.

I don’t believe I have mentioned it on here more than briefly before, but I’m a really messed up person. According to the pros, I’ve got a while wide range of stuff wrong with me. Some are genetic, some are experienced based. This list goes like this:

* Depression
* Bipolar
* Anxiety Disorder
* Schizoid Personality Disorder

That seems to be most of it.

It’s part of the reason that I’m in such a dark place with my casting, why I enjoyed learning to use blood in my magic, and apparently one of the reasons that I was drawn to magic in the first place.

Every time they get me stable, I start to slide within a few months. I try to not cast during these periods because that’s when my magic seems to be at its darkest. It’s a good time to do offensive magic work, but anything benign or positive seems to just come out wrong.

So, lately I’ve been in a casting slump, but during those times I like to turn to divining to keep me busy, and to keep my skills sharp.

Divining (mostly tarot) was something I started before I ever tried to cast my first spell, and yet it has been the hardest for me to accept. Sometimes I ask about information that can’t be proved either way, but other times I ask for specific answers to specific questions. Nearly always, the cards are correct, and that’s part of my problem with them.

Aren’t we supposed to determine our own destiny? Change our future (especially in regards to Chaos)? Change our interpretations of the world around us? Help others with kindness and understanding?

That’s why the cards freak me out. Sure, sometimes you can make things become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you read about things that you are too close to, or you have direct control over.
The cards say I will have pizza tomorrow. HA! I had a burger instead!

There are other things that you have no way of knowing the outcome and no way of influencing the outcome. Those are the ones that really freak me out.

My wife and I did a test on a few things and we scored really high, we’ve done some blind readings (those suck) and had great results, and we did some yes/no answer tests that could in no way be interpreted any other way.

Will this specific person, from this specific bank, be at the marketing conference in Baltimore?

There is just simply no way of knowing that unless I call him. I don’t even like the guy, so calling him would have been a mistake as he might have wanted to hang out if he was there.

We have done plenty of these kinds of tests, and the results are well above it being left just to chance. So where does that leave us, the people that are trying to express our will towards the current reality with the intention of change?

We know that our spells work (well, not all of them), so it seems reasonable to assume that we have control over more things than we don’t, and yet the cards are so accurate that they can predict so many things, so far out, and with such accuracy, it really makes me wonder how that balance works.

It’s almost seems like the missing reconciliation between Einstein’s physics, and quantum physics. They can prove both of them to be correct, yet they each contradict the other.

My head is going to explode from things like this.