I’m not sure if this is a post about magic, psychiatry, or just plain nuttiness.
One of the things that Carroll talks about in Liber Kaos is to not get so egotistical that you think that everything has to do with your will. If something happens that you wanted to happen, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your magic, sometimes things just happen. There are other times when we have to really sit down and take an inventory of what we have been doing, and look at the way we did them, the intention involved, the forces used, and which things that are currently going on could be a ramification of past works. These sessions sometimes reveal intentions that we were so good at burying intentions, that when they happened, we didn’t even take notice (solid conscious detachment). There are others that we have been doing that may have had unforeseen consequences, which reminds us that Chaos is present everywhere, whether we like it or not. Lastly, there are other things that may be happening around us, no matter our intentions towards them one way or another, that we have no control over at all. The problem can be distinguishing these separate scenarios from each other sometimes.
As I’ve mentioned in a couple of previous posts, I’ve struggled with some mental issues over the last while, and I was concerned that my involvement with Chaos and other ‘occult’ practices would be considered part of the problem. The good news is that my team of professionals has no problem with my beliefs, and my involvement with such esoteric things has never been brought up as a part of my diagnoses or treatments. My manic/depressive swings are under almost total control now, but there is some underlying issue that was there before I came completely unglued. Apparently they couldn’t get down to the core issue until they fixed the first one.
This is where the scenarios I mentioned above come into play (yes, there will be a point). According to my medical team, there seems to be a personality disorder roaming around and causing me problems. I haven’t really noticed it, but it’s been a growing problem in my life, and has brought me to the brink of divorce several times in just the last few months. So what is the problem? I tend to wake up as a different person almost every day. There seem to be about six different states that I can be in on any given day.
It doesn’t appear to be any type of multiple personality disorder, it’s not that I don’t feel/remember each one of them. I just have an entirely different outlook, logic, motivation, reliability and such on different days. So, instead of swinging up and down like I used to do, I now float from side to side. The question I ask myself is this: Is this just a personality disorder, or is this some kind of strange side effect from the occult work that I have done. I’m not saying that I’m possessed or anything, I’m just wondering is this doesn’t have to do with personal illumination. I have been working very hard to use my magic to give me insight and knowledge about so much, I wonder if some of it came in such a large bundle (I’ve had MAJOR epiphanies) that it had to develop and entirely new way of thinking to handle the info, and those ways of thinking got separated somehow and became their own unique states of being within me.
So, it comes back to my original questions: Is this from my intentional gaining of knowledge? Is this a negative side effect? Is this something that is just outside of magic?
I’ll see what they say relatively soon.
It’s the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night.