The fifth conjuration of every section (style of magic) is always Illumination. In the Sorcery portion I made my little items to help bestow some mental and/or physical benefit or idea upon myself, and they worked quite well for what I designed them for. It wasn’t until recently, as a part of the shamanism portion of the training, that I was truly illuminated by an experience from my Chaos.
As I have mentioned before, I found my spirit guide, which provided me a lot of insight. During my attempt to do my shamanic evocation I came across my guide again who told me I needed to reflect more on what I have learned. After some standard pondering, meditative reflection, personal journaling, and some PTSD therapy, I have come to radical realizations about who I am, where much of my current attitude towards life comes from, the way I interact with my loved ones, and so many other topics that it’s all hard to take in.
I know it’s been a month since my last post, but (unlike the short and sweet method in the Liber KKK) it has taken a while to really be illuminated. There are some harsh truths out there as to who we are, and the support of friends and family can be the best way of handling these new thoughts. They also tend to look at things from an outside perspective, which can give you quality feedback and even some much-needed criticism.
Criticism is always such a harsh word, and I do hate to use it. Even a comment like ëI think you should look at the way you handle X’ makes you look inside, and if you truly and honestly take a hard look at it, there can be some life-changing information you find out about yourself. In the last month or so I have learned many small things, which are something we all need, but the epic sized ones have rocked the foundation of who I believed I was. Three major epiphanies have hit me since I posted last, and it’s a lot to put on your plate. It’s hard to deal with, and sometimes it just makes you stand there and say, “Well, now that I know, how in the hell am I even going to move on? i have designed my life around the old me, and now that so much big stuff has been realized, I simply can’t be the same person anymore. “
It almost seems that through the illumination my entire life has changed (entirely for the better) and with these realization I have modified people’s thinking of me. Peter Carroll always talked about changing the past, and I had no idea what he meant, or how to apply that to anything I have done. But all of a sudden those that are around me see that I truly get it. I understand who I am, how my brain works, and why it thinks the way it does. By coming to these realizations, I have shifted my own reality and everyone around my has changed because of that. There is no blame, no regrets, and no lack of understanding. It’s as if everything I have ever done that was negative has been instantly erased and people are just moving on from today, without looking behind them at all.
It’s strange because people haven’t allowed me to make one apology, I have only explained to those I love the things I have learned, and from the moment I tell them, the past just slips away. I’ve even told a few that they have influenced me in a negative way, they saw that the answer was honest and true, and there was no fight, no arguing, just understanding, compassion, and even apologies from the people I spoke with.
I’ll stop rambling about this. It has just been such an amazing experience over the last few weeks that I thought I would share.
I never thought things would go so deep when I went into the illumination.
Be careful what you wish for. Answering the great question of, “Who am I? “ can be hard and have life-changing consequences.