Involuntary Full Disclosure…

My wife knows that I practice Chaos, but she doesn’t really know any of the details. She knows I do a lot of meditation, some astral projection, and even draw a bit of blood once in a while. What she never knew was how I do what I do, or exactly what I’m doing with my magick.

The other night we were talking about spirits and such, and since my wife is a sensitive, she mentioned that there was a problem. There was currently something lurking around me. She said it had never been human, it was something else, but it was constantly around me. She said it seemed to want something from me. More specifically, it wanted me to cast a spell or do some other work of magick. She sensed that it was upset that I hadn’t done much magick over the past few months and was bored. It also started feeding off her. She said it wasn’t much energy, but it was annoying as hell.

She said I looked wide-eyed and just stunned when she was talking about this entity, and she pressed me for answers as to what I knew, since it was obvious I had some idea as to what was going on. So, I finally admitted that it was my creation. In previous posts I have mentioned Lazarus, one of my early fetishes, and it seems that he’s not very good with idle time. So, I had to explain to her that he was mine, and she was absolutely amazed that someone could create an actual entity. So, I explained more about some of the objects that are in my little sanctuary, and a bit more about what I do that she didn’t know about before. I still didn’t tell her about exactly how my rituals go, but she doesn’t need to know that, and imitation of those rituals probably wouldn’t work for her. Every Chaote has to design his own way of doing magick.

After our talk, my wife is fascinated about what I do, even though it is tempered by a bit of fear that it can actually do something. I explained to her my principals on how I do things, and which forces I am and am not willing to work with. She was a bit more comfortable after that, but she still has some reservations.

She told my brother-in-law about what we believe, and some of the stuff that I do, but it didn’t bother me. He’s so medicated these days that nobody would believe him if he ran around blabbing to everyone. Besides, if he does, Lazarus will have a new source of food.

Chasing the Magical Dragon…

The term ‘chasing the dragon’ has been used as slang for a specific type of opium use, but it has also been used to refer to the pursuit of an ultimate high. Many drug users in fact have problems with usage because they are chasing the feeling they had the very first time they used it.

This analogy can be applied to many things in our lives, including magick. As I have been getting back into the practice lately, as my person issues are starting to stabilize and more time can be spent elsewhere, I find myself ëchasing the magical dragon’ in a way. I still remember that very first moment of wonder as I realized that something I had done actually had an effect on things. That feeling of wonder and amazement, the thoughts of limitless possibilities, and the feeling of empowerment to know something that very few people will admit exists, was one of the most profound moments in my life.

Those paradigm shifting experiences happen infrequently, and some people have few (if any) in an entire lifetime. So I’ve been tweaking and massaging the way I do my magic to try to get another one of those moments. My spells are becoming more complex, my results more measurable and predictable, and everything is more powerful overall. But I’m still working on the same paradigm I was when that first spell kicked in. So, the quest for ‘that moment’ has continued.

I think my next encounter with the ‘dragon’ will come when I truly accept that the potential in Chaos is truly limitless. I am currently bound by my own perception and understanding of the natural laws that I observe and experience. This, of course, it total garbage, because nothing is true, and everything is permitted. And while this little statement is easy to say, the true scope to which it can be applied is something that is hard to internalize. It is similar to our understanding of infinity. Sure we can say, “It goes on forever, “ but truly grasping that ‘forever’ in our brains is truly quite a challenge.

So, off I go to Chase the Magical Dragon. So much of my magick lately has been Illumination that I need to get back into Astral Projection and Astral Spell Casting, because I believe that’s where my answers may lie.

The magic of self healing…

Lately I have been channeling my energy somewhere other than Chaos. Without going into details, I have had a very interesting life, some of which is outlined in the About section. Other parts of it are completely irrelevant to anything involving this board, so I don’t post it.

With that touch of vague information having been given, I will say that most of my attention has had to be on myself lately. The shadows of our past can reside in our subconscious as well as the intent of our will. These memories and events can shape who we are in ways that are similar to magick in their nature. They are part of our subconscious, and they affect our reality, but unlike magick, we didn’t necessarily have any control over whether or not they were placed there.

These events and experiences rewire our brains in ways that we can consciously realize, but they can also lurk about in the shadows of our minds, and have their own intentions. This part of us that almost feels like our ëother self’ can manifest itself in many ways including emotions, stimulus response, and even moments where we relive the events of our past.

For a healthy future, some of these need to be rooted out, exposed, and faced head-on or they will continue to feed and grow within us until they start influencing us so much that we can lose control over our own lives. Magick can help in this process through the process of illumination, but as with all things that involve the subconscious, it can be very, very ugly work that takes a long time to gain control over.

Don’t feel bad if this doesn’t all make sense, it’s like sitting in a room full of people who only tell inside jokes that they really don’t want you to get. But, it’s the only way I know how to explain what I’ve been up to without being one of those my-whole-life-on-the-internet attention whores that seem to dominate every form of media these days.

Be well, cast often.