How about a purple pill instead?

How in the hell did I get so lucky? I live in one of the most religiously conservative areas in the Pacific Northwest, and I found a doctor that actually respects my religious/spiritual beliefs.

That means, the Dr. has no problem with my meditation, magic, or even my blood work. I almost fell over I was so damn stunned. As for the pills? Not a bad batch in my opinion.

The doc saw no reason for an antipsychotic since the only ‘visions’ and experiences I have center around my spiritual practices, so just some stuff to help fight my restless legs so I can get some much needed sleep at night. Other than that, I’ve been prescribed exercise, which my doc suggested may become a part of my meditation. Once you find a sustainable cadence in what you’re doing, you can let your mind go and have some pretty awesome experiences I guess. And, since I’ll be on a bike at the gym, I can close my eyes and not watch where I’m going. She described it kind of like a physical mantra.

So, that’s it. I was fortunate to meet the only doctor I have ever personally experienced that doesn’t treat non-mainstream beliefs as a sign of psychosis. She said the sleep and exercise will help a lot, and she sees no need for any other psych treatments at this time. I am still taking more pills in a day than I like to, but life’s just that way some times.

Hooray for option C!

The Chaos shall continue!!!

The red pill, or the blue pill…

Soon, I will be facing a turning point in my life. There will be a choice that is paramount to the direction the rest of my life will take.

As I’ve said in previous posts, there is an uneasy similarity between occult involvement and psychological disorders. Hell, if you look at the questions on a Schizophrenia screening quiz, the better you are at magick, the higher you score towards psychosis. And, to that and, I will have an appointment with a professional soon to see what their take is on my current mental state.

I already know how it’s going to go:

* Standard background questions about family history
* Those answers will evolve into questions about my current state and how I relate them with my past
* Then we will talk about my current coping skills and how effective they have been at curtailing symptomatic progression
* The doctor will discuss their perceptions and make a treatment recommendation based on their findings

It’s pretty standard stuff, right out of the psychiatry handbooks. The only problem is they won’t like any of my answers. If we look at the visit as three parts (background, coping, and progression) it makes it a lot clearer as to the problem.

The first part is the background, and doctors have never liked this with me. I have a family history of psychological illness that blows their minds. They are usually encouraged that while my family is nuts, we are very functional in our daily lives, but it is two strikes against me before I ever have a chance to take the plate. In the past, this was no big deal, as I always knocked it out of the park on the next two questions…but that won’t be happening this time.

The next two questions will strike me out, and possibly carry over into my next at-bat. As a part of being into Chaos and such, I have dropped a lot of my normal defensive mechanisms, so in the eyes of Psychiatry, my coping is suffering, and my symptoms are progressing. The part that has me really bothered is that sometimes I can’t tell if I’m progressing in magick, or if I’m just doing a good job of mind-fucking myself. One of the problems with believing in Chaos, is that you also have to believe that all you are really doing is tweaking the odds…and this means that things that you were trying to do could have happened anyway. Giving yourself credit for everything that goes according to your desires, even if you had no real hand in it, is called being delusional.

Now, I know some of you are going to think what I’ve read all over occult boards: that doctors are quick to label people that operate outside of the social norm, blah, blah, blah… I know those arguments. I have heard them, I have said them, and I still believe in them. The problem I’m facing is that this isn’t a game. If it was just me, by myself, when I was in my early twenties, I would roll the dice and let them land where the universe wills it. I can’t do that anymore because I have too many people that rely on me. It wouldn’t be fair to my wife, daughter, or father if I let their entire existence crumble around them just because I wasn’t willing to explore all the possibilities available to me.

The other factor that’s a part of this is my family history. I’m the only one that hasn’t had a massive breakdown. In my family, the lucky ones have irreparable long-term damage to their cognitive abilities and stability, and the unlucky ones end in tragedy. Mental disorders have plagued my family like a cancer of the psyche for generations now, and I don’t want to be the next casualty of the illness.

So, as my appointment approaches over the next few weeks, I will have a lot of thinking to do. I doubt there will be a happy synergy between chaos and modern psychiatric treatment, so I will have to seriously weigh the options that lie before me. I know there will be medication recommendations, and if I decide to go that route, my mind will be cut off from everything that I have worked for with Chaos. I believe that it will still be out there, but those kinds of drugs seem to instantly throw the clamp on extra-perceptual experiences. And if they don’t, they up the dosages.

The blue pill will make me mundane, but preserve everything that I have created for my family…the red pill will let me explore the very nature of existence, the universe, and life, but may come at the cost of my family, my sanity, and even my life.


Astral Projection is apparently out…

Quite a while ago I posted about an amazing experience I had during astral projection. Since that post, I have continued my meditation and projection with increasingly good results. I have learned to meditate within a projection, which has given me access to some really interesting experiences and results. I haven’t been doing it since there was the bad energy polluting the ether, mostly because I know that I am heavily influenced by these forces while in this state.

I had a close friend, whom I trust very much, do a reading about when I can return to the astral, and the simple answer is never. There is a heavy element of danger involved, which is why I stopped projecting in the first place. Like most things, energies can have a positive and negative influence to them, and I guess I draw in the negative energy while in my astral state.

This isn’t something that can be solved by some hippie visualization of surrounding myself in white light, this is the fact that I have tapped into the astral well on a very deep level, but I got too good at it too fast to develop my safeguards for it along the way. It seems that something has noticed that and is lurking about in the ether waiting for my return.

I had been having strange, intrusive experiences while projecting before I stopped, but I figured that was part of the larger picture of imbalance in the ether. It turns out that I was wrong.

Being the smart little Chaote that I am, I built some objects and did some spell work to help me get deeper into astral projection. I even incorporated a bit of science to help me manipulate my brainwaves to get into that deep theta state within just a couple of minutes after I started meditating.

The warning I have for others is this: Don’t try and force your way into the astral too fast. Yes, there are amazing things when you get down deep enough, and we all want that, but part of it naturally taking a long time is your mind’s way of developing defenses about whatever may be malevolent towards you.

So, this wonderful tool has been cut off by my own haste, and I have nobody to blame but myself. Deep inside the ether there are the answers to everything, and the ability to shift reality more easily than you ever could from the outside. It’s like having direct access to the source of all things in the universe and time.

Luckily, I am not so arrogant that I can’t accept there are some things beyond my control at this time, and that there are things I simply shouldn’t do. I will check again after a year or so to see if it is safe for me, but I will have to accept the fact that it may be removed from my grasp forever, or accept the alarming amount of risk that would be involved if I reentered the Astral.

If all you experience while projecting is unicorns and rainbows, you’re either fooling yourself or doing it wrong.

Return of the presence…

In previous posts, I first thought I might be going crazy, but it turned out to be a really large spell effect that I was feeling. My boss had been gone since December 23, and returned yesterday from his little vacation.
I hadn’t felt the presence of the spell effect since he was gone, but upon his return, it was back in the picture. It hasn’t seemed to grow since I last felt it, which is good as I was concerned about it getting out of control due to its rapid initial growth. It still had the same active, agitating qualities that it did when it was here last time.

I find the presence of the energy rather unnerving. It feels very active and mischievous, which may be good as a spell effect, but it makes it a real bitch to work when it’s constantly around. I know that its presence at my work is entirely my fault, as the ether is very literal in what it provides you. It was my intention that he should experience the paranormal and unexplainable, but I never said it could only happen at his house, nor did I exclude the workplace from his experiences.

These unexpected consequences are the reason that we Chaotes must start small and follow our training. These little experiments are what teach us to think deeper to try to encompass all of these possible consequences in our thoughts, before we set our will in motion.

I was discussing this exact issue with my wife last night, and she asked what I was going to do about it. I told her that I figure I have three options:

* Dispel the energy and cast it again.
* Build a shield against the energy so it doesn’t bother me at work.
* Do nothing.

I’m not really interested in dispelling the energy and casting it again. The energy present is perfect for the job at hand, and possibly even better than I had imagined when I first built the spell. Getting rid of such a perfectly purposed energy seems like such a waste, and it’s nice to have it around once in a while, just so I know that it’s doing the job that I created it for.

Building a shield sounded like the answer for quite a while, but then I started thinking deeper. A shield against the energy, unless built just right, could have the potential to shield me from something else that I want to know about. Just because I can’t feel something doesn’t mean it can’t have an effect on me. Also, I haven’t done enough of this type of spell to know if this is what the energies usually feel like. If it is, shielding myself against feeling it could also leave me open to attacks by similar energies, irregardless of their source.

So, it looks like doing nothing may be my only good option for the moment. That feeling of nigh anxiety makes me consume tobacco like a fiend, but there are worse things than that. I’m not comfortable trying to manipulate which energies I’m exposed to at this point because I honestly don’t understand them well enough to make an educated decision.

I guess that until my boss has, and admits to, his experiences, I will have some strange times here in my office. Even with the Universe, it seems that all things come with some sort of price.

New year, new spells, new people…

Over the weekend, a piece of jewelry came into my possession. It’s a little necklace with a pentacle hanging from it. It is too small for my rather beefy neck, and I don’t think a guy my size would look good in a makeshift choker. Yes, it’s crap jewelry, but I like it anyway.

Last night I decided to bind the object to me. It was my usual sort of deal for the binding: Meditation, fetishes, whiskey, bleeding, and incense. There was only one thing out of the ordinary, and I think it was a sign that I was really in the right state of mind from the meditation. For the first time, I had absolutely no pain when bleeding myself. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but my Athame is about as dull as you can get. I never remember to sharpen it unless I’m about ready to make a cut, which is not the time to pull out the whetstone.

In the past I’ve had to work for several minutes to get the blade deep enough to draw blood, but not this time. I just pushed the tip in, flattened out the blade, and kept applying gentle pressure until it was deep enough to get the job done. There was no pain at all, even though I could still feel every sensation. It was awesome.

While I was having quality time in my sacred space, my wife and brother-in-law were out in the dining room. This was only my bother-in-law’s second set of readings from the cards, and it was my wife’s first time doing them for someone else. After I was done with my binding, I snuck out to the kitchen and listened in on what they were doing. She was doing a very credible job of interpreting the cards, and he was sucking the information up like candy.

It was quite a cool way to start out a new year, and everyone had a good time. My wife seems to be growing in her curiosity about what I do, but I’m still keeping her in the dark about how I do it. I’ll be general with anyone, but the specifics need to be figured out by, and tailored to, each individual. It’s not because everything is a big damn secret, it’s because everyone has to do things differently if they want it to work.

I hope this year will be great for everyone. I plan on finishing the last part of my Liber KKK training, and then it’s off into the completely delusional life of chaos. May you all find what you’re looking for too.