The end is near, a new beginning will arise form the ashes…

The ‘Dark Man’ I have mentioned in so many posts before is going to come to and end.  C and I have the potential of moving to a far away place that’s filled with an entirely different environment spiritually, economically, and culturally.  It will be a great environment for us to thrive in, but w have to unload the baggage we are still carrying in our current lives before we can fully make the transition.  We have enough equity in our house to completely pay off our student loans; that gives us a financial clean slate.  We don’t like the culture we currently live is and the one we are heading towards is one that we will fit well into.  As far as spiritual baggage, there is work to be done.

There is still one person that had a connection made with C during a vulnerable time that she had, and he will need to have that link severed so he can go away.  He is able to pull great energy from her from a distance, and it needs to be finally dealt with.  The other thing that needs to happen is we need to end this ‘Dark Man’ nonsense once and for all.  C thinks she identified the physical item that has been letting him keep the link with her, and that will be my greatest tool in the work I need to perform.

In my last post I displayed a show of power that I have never reached before, but it took its toll on me mentally and physically.  Handling that much energy is dangerous, and it can damage the body and mind in horrible ways.  So, for this work I will need a focus.  Not only to handle the energy involved, but to purify it and act as a ‘one way valve’ against any taint that could be sent through when I perform the necessary work.  I need to consult with an entity that has been guiding me with a bit of tough love, but it’s an encouraging thing so see her again.  I finally figured out what she challenged me with, and will be able to show up with the proper knowledge and skills in hand.

Hopefully she will lend some guidance as to the path I need to follow on this one.  I don’t think severing the ties with the ‘Dark Man’ will be enough.  He has proven to be too persistent over the years, so I’m left with only a few options as I see it.  I need to destroy him or bind him.  I’m a fan of binding.  The thought of destroying an entity disturbs me.  In the beginning it didn’t, but I have learned to appreciate the value of many non-corporeal beings over the last few years, many of which were simply misunderstood, and destroying them and sending them into the vortex (did I ever explain that on here?) robs others of encountering them.  It seems like a final decision that I’m not qualified to make on my own.

The other option of binding is the best that I see.  The concept is simple, really.  Find the entity and seal it inside of something.  Done.  How does one find the being?  If the item that C identified really is the link, I can follow the link right to him.  I will  be on his turf, but more horrible things have happened in the astral.  Once there I pull him into the physical and bind him within an object.  Think of a genie in a bottle, but no good way to get him out of there unless you know how he was sealed.  The item would then become one of our most prized possessions, for as long it remained intact, the binding would remain.

I know that S reads this blog, so I’ll send him a little heads-up.  I plan on sending you the same binding object that I will use for this ritual.  You are one of the few that I know that I can trust with my methods, so I want you to have the necessary tools in case you ever need them in your life.  You mean to much to C to not have me provide at least that much.

For this ritual I will need to build my focus, acquire another binding object (I have an unused one but I’ll be damned if I can find it), then design the series of rituals I will need to perform this.  There will have to be link severing, repair to vulnerabilities in C, and finally the actual summoning and binding itself.  The term ‘summoning’ is a bit terrifying, but I need to get up close and personal with this entity to be successful with a binding instead of a destruction.

I know there are some who will read this and say, “What about a banishing?”  Banishing only goes so far.  It gets rid of nonsense than happens near you.  Events that can be manipulated from afar require something more drastic.  It’s something I’ve researched for over three years now, and hoped I would never have to use it.  I have a lot of preparation work to do, but I will tell the story on here, for better or worse, when all is completed.

I hope nobody I know ever needs this kind of work done on their behalf.  It’s draining, but there is no way around it sometimes.  A problem that has gone this long will have to be resolved if C and I are going to be able to truly start a fresh life together.


Healing, harming, and war…

Points along the meridians.Illness in its many forms is a horrible thing.  It is usually hard on not only the one suffering from it, but also on those around them as they watch a person they love in distress.  One of the disheartening parts is when nobody knows what is wrong.  The symptoms may be there, but the underlying cause remains a mystery sometimes, which can kill hope as the light at the end of the tunnel seems to grow dim.

My wife recently had horrible pain, swelling, and a collection of other problems show up suddenly in her lower extremities.  As it progressed we were trying to find an explanation as to the root of the problem.  A lot of the problems were associated with a potential blood clot, so it became a very concerning situation.  To keep this part of the story short (which I rarely do) we finally narrowed it down to a rare side-effect of a medication she was taking.  We eliminated the drug, and about 70% of the pain left in just a single night.

The problem that remained was that she already has liver and immune issues, and her body was just left thrashed over the whole ordeal.  This left her quite weak and semi-ill even after the medication had worn off.  Being a fan of many eastern traditions, I have learned a bit about healing.  These traditions work well with what I have also learned in my own practices, and seem to compliment each other harmoniously.  So, combine a bit of the east, some chakra work, and a touch of the chaos, and you have the makings of successful healing sets.  We did it both for pain management before we found the culprit drug, and afterward to get her system smacked back into shape.

This whole little backstory does eventually come to a point.  First, over the last year I have worked on healing quite a bit.  I’ve come a long way with it, and have now had quite a bit of success.  That’s a long way from where I started, which was a complete lack of understanding about healing, and no idea which direction to head for learning.  Second, it rolls back to the baddie that has been lurking about for a long time now.  If you need to catch up, the last two posts (1, 2) cover a lot of it quite well, with a smattering of things sprinkled throughout some of my past posts just for seasoning.

The short version of the whole thing is this:  A bad creeper has been trying to mess with my wife for a long time.  He’s a remnant of some sort from her sister’s old boyfriend, who was a theistic Satanist.  He is the reason I went from studying magic and the occult to actually practicing.  Since both my wife and I have become more ‘in tune’ with things, he has resorted more to manipulating things from a distance rather than direct intervention.

I think that’s enough about enough about him for now.  I leave the vast storyline involving this entity off of here because it’s just unbelievable, even to those of us who are living in the reality of it.

Moving on:  So, C met this guy last year who had some of the same interests as her, and decided to hang out with him a bit.  We’ve never had a problem with either of us having opposite-sex friends.  We know where our love is.  But, something different happened with this guy.  She noticed there was an abnormal attachment to him.  If you look at my post about love, you’ll see that C  doesn’t feel things quite the way that most other people do.  So this kind of attachment felt entirely foreign to her.  For some odd reason, she was having a ‘normal boyfriend/girlfriend’ kind of connection with him, even though she had never experienced one before in her life.  Without the story getting too long, our little friend (who has become known as ‘The Dark Man’ due to the mixing of divinatory sources) made this connection with this guy when she was vulnerable after the death that crushed her last summer.  This actually happened with two people, but only one of them matters for this story.

We figured out that there was this artificial connection, broke it, and moved on.  C still communicated with him over text (and still does), because he wasn’t a bad guy, he just had a bit of help being overly attached to her.  Even though she broke the attachment, he never did, so that made her have to set some boundaries, but it didn’t mean they couldn’t continue to communicate.  Once in a while he would pop up with some grand idea about the two of them running away together to live in some random place doing a random thing for work (I think crocodile hunting was one of them), but C always politely declines, reminds him that she’s married, has a kid, and isn’t interested.  His most recent push caused a major problem though.

People have a hard time accepting the fact that C is fairly gender-neutral, and our marriage involves very little sexuality.  Our relationship is built on being intellectually challenging to each other, enjoying the quirks and nuances that we each bring into things, and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together as best friends.  We only got married due to familial pressures, tax benefits, and work benefits.  It didn’t change our relationship at all.  Little N was a planned baby, not the result of chance or too much nookie flying about.  But…C does love to tease.  Because of this she has tons of fun online, but people have a hard time interpreting the meaning behind it.  Some interpret it as ‘she’s into me’, others assume she’s a catfish, or they thing she is somewhere between bisexual and lesbian.  The real interpretation is that she doesn’t mind showing who she is, especially if she thinks it might ruffle your feathers.  With the way her brain works it’s nothing more than that at all, but people have a funny way of getting too serious about things online.

This interpretation of her sexuality led the guy she had been talking/texting with to assume that she was bisexual.  So, as a new plan to win her over, he proposed a third person (female) be introduced into things.  He told this new girl (who was apparently very ‘into’ him) that she couldn’t be with him unless she could convince C to come into the relationship as well.  C and I laughed about it as it unfolded, knowing that the reality of it would never come true, and how far his perception of what she actually wanted in life was from reality.  C and this new girl sent texts and got along fairly well, but (even if C was actually interested in things) there were no sparks.  The only thing that C could see going on was this gal getting more desperate as it progressed.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and moods are getting ugly around the house.  C and I don’t have a traditional relationship, so we don’t tend to be faced with the same problems that many couples are.  We don’t bicker, we don’t fight, we don’t let the petty shit of daily life get in our way of enjoying our time together.  Yet, there we were, in an abnormal situation where we were both pissy, Little N was acting like a butthead (usually she’s the easiest kid on the planet), and something just felt wrong.  C was born with a fully developed ability to sense things that I have only scratched the surface of.  This has allowed us to test each other in interesting ways that has guided both of us in our spiritual development.  Needless to say, she was the first to notice that there was something going on that was just more than moods and personalities.

All I ever got was a stuffy, oppressive feeling, but she identified that it was something affecting us that she couldn’t quite put her finger on.  It didn’t feel like an entity to her, it just felt like our house was filled with negative energy that was messing with all of us.  I consulted the tarot, and the answer it gave didn’t make sense to me.  The answer boiled down to this:

Someone you know has betrayed you with magic to destroy your love, and ‘The Dark Man’ has made it stronger.

I stay out of her wacky conversations and friendships with others, so I’m almost never privy to the details of what goes on.  I’ve done some blind readings (meaning that I’m totally clueless) about some of her friends and dug up things about them that they wouldn’t even admit to for many months.  It’s a skill I’ve gotten quite good at over the years.  But this reading wasn’t about one of her friends, it was a question about what the hell was happening around the house.

When I told her what the reading said and she instantly scowled and said a few choice words about the gal she had been talking to in the love-triangle situation.  It turns out she is a Wiccan.  So, a simple love spell was probably what was cast.  C is too different to be effected by a traditional little thing like that (see the love post).  The beauty of the whole thing is that ‘The Dark Man’ has had an agenda with the guy and C for a while now, and we keep kicking it out from under his feet.  All of a sudden this ‘we should be together’ magic gets sent out and gets in the hands of the bad guy.  He figured out the last time he tried to create love connections with C that she doesn’t work like that, so the best way to achieve his agenda is to first split up C and me.  So this fairly innocuous spell gets turned into a giant pile of darkness that settles over the whole family to try to tear us apart.

Once we figured all of this out, the problem was still there, but now we had a bit more information to work with.  Since this was obviously something that we hadn’t dealt with before, I prepared for war.

I was already familiar with many of the Wiccan casting traditions, so I didn’t have to do much reverse engineering how such a thing would have been built at its source.  The big problem was how to counter the force that our little buddy had put behind it.  Understanding ‘how’ people cast their spells is the greatest defense against them.  That’s one of the reasons I discuss mechanics very little on this blog.  First, my casting is typically for very personal reasons, so the methods are sometimes very personal too.  Second, I don’t think anyone can be told how to do quality magic, it’s just something they have to develop on their own.  Which brings be to my final point of keeping things secret for your own protection.  Too much info about practices can lead to vulnerabilities appearing, and it’s also a good reason to never cast the same way twice.  Do I use sigils?  Yup.  Every time?  Nope.  When I do use them, do I construct them using the same methods every time?  Nope.  Do I use reagents every time?  Nope.  When I do, are they the same ones?  Nope.  Do I always do ritual magic?  Nope.  When I do ritual magic do I have a set form that I use?  Nope.  Every spell, every intention, and every casting has to be customized to the need and mood of that moment.

This casting too was customized to the need. Since I didn’t know exactly what the need was, I went in with every trick I knew, and made up a few that I hadn’t used before.  I knew the things that I needed to address:

  • I had to learn exactly what it was that was causing problems.
  • I had to deconstruct the way it was cast to gain control over the origin.
  • I had to use that control to get rid of whatever it was.
  • I had to make a big enough showing to make our ‘Dark Man’ think twice before pulling crap like that again.
  • I had to appeal to the same authority that it was cast through to correct the wrongdoing that had been set upon our family.

Simple, right?  Yeah…not so much.

After a full day of planning, waiting for paint to dry (not a euphemism), studying the exacts of some Wiccan traditions, and other preparations, I had myself ready to go for the following evening.  One of the few rules I have is that none of this stuff can go down while Little N is awake.  Hopefully she never has to deal with this kind of nonsense.

The full process was huge.  I’m not sure how long it took me, but the entire thing probably lasted for over an hour.  I knew that I would need astral and physical work for this one, and that much going on simply takes a while.  Just getting into the astral can take a long time (or even not happen) if the mind/soul connection doesn’t want to cooperate that day.  After an unknown amount of mental prep work and slowly deepening meditation, I finally entered the astral.  Holy shit.  I had never seen anything like it.

In my experiences in the astral I have encountered a few places with terrain as we could traditionally consider it, but I find that most of what I am looking for (conversations with unbound entities) happens in the dark places; those places that aren’t designed for me to enter.  Many of these places exist in layers, with scenery and representations of the physical, designed to distract from the true nature of the astral.  There are various techniques to do it, but eventually these layers need to be stripped back to enter the ‘home turf’ of most entities and to be able to interact with them without illusion.  Without stripping away the illusion, a person can get in a lot of trouble out there.

1441175_19243069The…thing…that I saw was awe-inspiring and terrifying at the same time.  It was not an entity, it was the embodiment of an intention, and made of pure willpower.  The spark had started from the original spell, and had become twisted and strengthened into a behemoth.  It laid in the sky like a storm, stretching as far as the eye could see, and crushing everything underneath it with a shadow of oppression and hatred.  Above me was the center of the storm.  It had no eye, it just became pitch black with the thickness of its strength.  My admiration of what had been built quickly turned to rage as I realized the severity of what had been sent against my family for the selfish desires of the ‘Dark Man’.

When one finds oneself in this sort of position, it is good to know about the tradition that originated the spell.  Why?  Because many traditions don’t actually cast spells.  Stay with me now, and please don’t take offense.  I’ll start with the Wiccan belief system as an example.  It’s simple when you think about it.  You gather tools and reagents that represent the aspects of nature, you declare an intention, and then you make an appeal to a deity to make things happen (I know, I oversimplified it).  Christianity is the same way.  They have their 3 primary gods (creator (God), intervenor (Holy Spirit), and Messiah (Jesus)), and their array of demigods (Angels, Demons, and Saints).  When a Christian makes a prayer, they are not attempting to cause the change themselves, they are appealing to an authority to make it happen.  When these prayers, rituals, and other things are appealed to their respective authorities, an entity that represents the nature of the tradition and intention is what can actually do the work.  That’s why so many prayers and spells through pantheism, monotheism, or whatevertheism go unanswered.  There is another authority involved that gets the final say.  When dealing directly with magical forces, there is no intermediary, and nobody to decide what’s best for you.

Casting, praying, or any other type of action in this way also means that you are bound by the rules of the authority you appeal to.  I’ve even seen spells out there that appeal for others to be held to the same kinds of laws.  Ever hear of Christians praying for God’s will/law to cause judgement on a some sort of perceived sinner?  Ever see/read/hear a spell that calls for the law of karmic retribution to be enforced on someone?  These ‘laws’ are not universal, they are only present because people choose to act within traditions that come with consequence.  Some people seem to need that structure in their lives I guess.

The good news about all of that is, even if you’re not a part of that tradition, you can appeal to those same authorities for enforcement of their own rules.  I’m not Wiccan, nor would I choose to cast under that structure, but I can make an appeal to the authority that allowed the intention to be manifested to judge it under their own rules, and ask that those rules be enforced.  Part of Wiccan morality is ‘An it harm none, do what ye will’.  This spell was doing harm to my family.  Any love spell cast that would break a happy family apart for a person’s own desires is harmful, even if there was no amplification of the spell due to Dark Man intervention.  One of the other parts to Wiccan morality is the Law of Threefold Return.  Hopefully if that is enforced on the original caster it is based on the original intent of the spell, and not on the final manifestation.  That would be horrible.

So, that took care of the witch, now it was time for a show of force to let our Dark Man know that I’m not the small-fry that I used to be.  I have been receiving guidance.  Not from a new spirit guide (still don’t have a new one), but from someone who is a long story all by themselves.  This entity forced me to learn how to bring magic from the physical directly into the astral.  It took me a long time to learn it, but it was time for my big debut.

There was a lot of anger.  I have grown tired of being badgered by The Dark Man’s intentions constantly.  I’m tired of having to check out new relationships and happenings to see if they are part of something bigger than they seem on the surface.  It causes me stress in my life, and I don’t tend to handle stress well.  The blast was enormous and punched a hole through the center of the storm.  It slowly started closing back up, letting me know that it was hardly enough to vaporize it, but it had to shift inward to close, which meant that it wasn’t regenerating, it had been damaged and had to shrink to fill in the hole.  To put it in a way that we are more used to, I could make it bleed.

Knowing that I could cause change in something this big, I threatened the dark man and let him know that he was beaten on this round, and that I was going to destroy what he had helped to create.  I then left the astral and started the physical portion of the spellwork.  This is where I deconstructed the original spell.  I used some of my really big guns that I had been saving for special occasions.  Some of them were ‘gifts’ given to me by old friends like Lazarus and parts crossed boundaries that others refuse to cross.  I also made my intention clear to our little nuisance that my fight was in it for the long haul.  Even if it cost me my life, or meant that I couldn’t move on after this one, I would not relent until he was either driven away or destroyed.  Worse yet, I threatened to bind him.  That is like prison for entities.

It took nearly two days for the ‘storm’ to fully clear, but things did return to normal.  My wounds took an unnatural time to heal.  After nearly two weeks they were still mostly open and had developed almost no scab.  There was no infection, it just was just wide open like it had happened that day.  Over 6 weeks later there is still deep scabbing on portions.  Normally I tend to be a quick healer.  I can get a deep laceration and have it be gone in a matter of just a couple of weeks.  This one was different somehow.

I was also exhausted afterward.  It took a couple of days with a lot of sleep and naps to really recover from the ordeal.  It’s the biggest toll I’ve had on my body and mind since I started using magic.  I’m not sure if this kind of thing is like a muscle, where as you use it you gain strength and endurance, or if there is a finite amount that your system can handle.  I plan on building a focus that I can use in the future.  Something to channel the energy through that isn’t my body.  If it works, perhaps it can take some of the strain off of things of this magnitude.

Of course, in a perfect world, nobody would ever need to do things of this magnitude.  Too bad it isn’t a perfect world.

Sorry for the long delay between posts.  As you can see there has been some serious stuff going down, and a lot happening on the personal and work side too.  Life just gets in the way of making blog posts sometimes.  Then you poor devils have to put up with nearly 4,000 words at a clip when I do post.


Big, scary creatures…

It’s been an event-filled couple of months since I last posted.  My New Year’s resolution wasn’t to update this blog every day, which is a good thing because I’d have failed before it even started.  I’m doing a year-long art project that has been sucking up all of my time, but I have really enjoyed doing it.  Needless to say, other things have been getting missed…like updates to this blog.

No apologies, there have just been limited hours in the day and this isn’t at the top of my priority list.  I have said a few times since my last post, “Oh!  I have to put that on the blog!”  So, this isn’t out of my mind in any way, just out of reach for the most part.

What are these things I’ve been wanting to blog you might ask?  I might tell you that there are some pretty interesting nuggets of information and experiences that have been happening.  The first is a continuation of the story from my last post.

We have been fairly successful at keeping this dark entity out of our house, but not out of our lives.  It has to ‘pull strings’ from a distance, rather than getting to waltz into our place and directly manipulate the situation.  About a month ago, he decided to try a new tactic and send in a friend.  I’m not usually sensitive to an entity being present.  Unless it’s being overly obnoxious, is very strong, or wants to make itself known, I have to consciously make an effort through different means to know of a presence.  I’m getting slowly more sensitive over the years, but I’m still very, very weak with it.

My daughter and I were cleaning up the holiday decorations and all of a sudden it hit me.  I had ‘the itches’.  ‘The itches’ are a strange phenomenon that I have only ever gotten in two different ways.  The first was when I would push through the mental/physical wall that would appear when running 3+ miles when I was younger.  Other than running, the only thing that has ever caused them is when I expend energy quickly in my magic.  Taking ornaments off of a tree is not physically demanding, and there was nothing magical about lifting up little ornaments and putting them in a box.  I was just having a light conversation with my daughter and the itches hit me like a train.

When I would run they would come on slowly, and usually if magic is involved they come quickly, but they do take a minute or two to fully manifest.  Not this time.  It felt like someone had shoved a needle into every pore on my back simultaneously.  It actually made me call out a little bit between the pain and the surprise of it.  The stabbing went away quickly (as it usually does) and turned into intense, almost painful itching.  It was the most severe cases I have had of them too, and it’s the first time I have had them without a known cause.  I knew I wasn’t running in my living room (I haven’t run in years), and I sure as hell didn’t fire some sort of ‘clean my house’ spell.  If that worked I would have done it years ago.  Not wanting to startle my daughter or anyone else, I just went about my business and started sleuthing about after her bed time.

To make a long story short (It’s a new thing I’m trying. lol), between my wife’s abilities and some quality reading from the cards, it turns out our entity buddy sent a ‘friend’ to “observe and assess” what was going on with us.  I used quotes because those were the words that things narrowed down to during our evening of investigation.  The entity wasn’t hostile like our little family friend is, which is a good thing.  Why?  Because he was a BIG boy.  He had a fairly neutral energy, which is good because there was a LOT of it.  More than anything C had encountered before, and bigger than anything I had experienced outside of the astral.  It turns out that my big, powerful ‘itches’ was just him taking a bit of energy, and I was handy.  It was nothing personal, it was just a little energy feed.  You know, so little that I think it was the single largest expenditure of energy I’ve ever had.  That’s why I’m glad that thing wasn’t hostile.

As the cards said, he didn’t stay long (about four days total) and then he went wherever incredibly powerful, neutral entities go in their spare time.  We have no solid way of knowing what became of his little visit and the information/assessment, or what our dark entity pal is doing with that information, but the cards regularly indicate that things are in the works.  Some of them we catch, some of them we don’t until after they happen.  Those are the ones that take the work to clean up.

On a more positive note, I have been working on healing a lot more lately and the results are encouraging.  A lot of it stems from our little experiment last Summer where we did the emotional transfer between C and me.  We have since found out that this is called an ‘aura merge’; not my favorite name, but better than ‘that thing we did at M’s funeral’.  This opened up a whole new realm of possibilities with energy manipulation and healing that we hadn’t had access to before.

It may sound simple, but it’s a pretty big deal for me.  I’m one of those people who has to be convinced in his mind through trial and error that something can work, and ‘healing’ in general has produced poor results for me in the past.  This new concept seems to be working and takes minimal energy from me.  It’s more of a ‘realignment’ of the energy people already have, rather than trying to force the energy where it should be.

Anyway, there are lots of little nuances to those more major things that have gone on, but I’ve given a fairly good overview here.  I hope everyone who got hit by those monster storms has been able to stay away from harm.  We’re having a warm winter here, which may seem awesome, but we’re getting such little water that agricultural production could be reduced by a significant amount over previous years.  That’s bad for our local economy, so we’ll hope for a good slamming of snow in the mountains like we got over the weekend.


A blog by any other name…

One of the recurring themes in this blog is that there is a dark entity that enjoys my wife and can be quite bothersome.  I’ve mentioned him before, and even gave some vague information as to some of his doings.  He’s one of the reasons I became a practitioner of the occult rather than just confining myself to the study of it.  I still enjoy my studies, but in a conversation with C the other day I noticed something odd.

I have spent countless hours reading blogs, I currently have 32 different books in my occult/spiritual library and have read every one of them, and I participate in a couple different online communities (those are a bit spotty).  The one thing that I have noticed after all this time is there is very little mention anywhere about the ‘darker’ side of all of this.  Sure, there are some old grimoires you can get your hands on that will tell you to boil a live cat, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  What I mean is that very few people talk about the big problems.  If they mention anything negative (especially in the newer books) they usually gloss over it and tell you to do a banishing ritual or make your chakras glow.  Then they get back to the business of telling you how wonderful everything can be with magic, spirituality or other flavors of woo.

Now, I agree that keeping a positive spin on things is good.  Also, posting information about how to do rotten things to people can be a bit dangerous to everyone involved.  I have just noticed that there is a serious lack of caution about what really is lurking on the other side.  Yes, there are kind and benevolent entities and energies out there, and those are definitely a good thing to focus on.  Those kinds of energies tend to keep the rotten ones away because you’re surrounding yourself with something very positive,.  The little annoying dark entities tend to avoid that like the plague as there are too many easier targets out there.

What they don’t talk about enough, in my opinion, is that ‘dark side’.  I know that ‘downer’ books don’t sell, so I know why they don’t put much (if any) reference in them, but there are people who come to the occult looking for answers to problems they already have.  There are also those that start to play in the darker side of things and don’t know what to expect.  So, I guess my blog is one of those exceptions to the rules.

The last thing I want to do is sound like an angst-filled rebellious teenager that wants to piss off a set of staunchly religious parents.  I listen to myself in conversations with C and others and sometimes I have to stop and think about how entirely ridiculous it all sounds.  This blog is probably considered to be one of the biggest piles of delusional, wooist nonsense that exists on the internet.  Then I think about everything that has gone on with C and me over the years, and it brings me sharply back into focus.  We have done our experiments, C and I have blind-tested each other with shocking results, and we have admitted when things have worked and when they haven’t.  None of this would I provide as ‘evidence’ that anyone else should even believe in the things that I do as experiences don’t tend to count in that type of thing.  But to have lived all of this myself, having approached it with an objective mind, and being the biggest skeptic of my own experiences, I am still led to conclusions that I would deem ‘madness’ had I not experienced them all myself.

All of that being said, people interested in the occult, or even spirituality in general need to understand clearly that there is a second side to every coin.  There are unpleasant, malevolent forces out there in there ether.  There are lots of different names people give them based on personal beliefs or the way the entity behaves.  There are also energies that are ‘dark’ in their nature.  Yes, most practitioners steer clear of them, and for good reason.  Just as positive forces can bring about positive results and entities, negative energies can bring about the opposite.  Practice wisely.

This still leaves us with the problem of the few that encounter these darker forces without having brought it upon themselves.  There are entities who look for positive people and do bad things, there are some that attach to people with natural gifts and feed off of them, and some people just get unlucky and bump into the wrong thing at the wrong time.  With a lack of information out there, one is left to a long road of experimentation to handle these kinds of situations.  I’ve heard plenty of the ‘command it to leave’ and ‘just surround yourself with positive energy’ advice, and it works well on little nuisances, but the big ones are far beyond that.  A blanket of happy thoughts is not enough to keep people safe from them, nor is a simple act of banishment.

I feel really bad for people that are in this situation because that’s where I started.  In my time of heavy practice we have managed to stop the physical interactions (for the most part), and he has moved on to manipulating things from a distance.  To the ‘help there’s something in my house’ perspective, most people would see him as ‘gone’ since he doesn’t do things in our presence anymore, but he’s still there.  It has only changed the way he interacts.  he has been ‘driven out of the house’ for the most part, but he’s still there in the wings; pulling strings and manipulating people.  So, yes, we have made progress, but everything is far from solved.

How would someone that is not heavily involved in the occult handle such a problem?  For me the answer was to embrace the occult so I could fight fire with fire, but I know that can’t be the answer for everyone.  At some point I will find a way to finish our business with him, but it could still be years before things are fully resolved.  Things may never be fully resolved.  So how would the average person handle it?  The answer is, they couldn’t.  They would need outside help.  If they found the wrong help it could anger an entity and make things worse (read a couple interesting stories about that), which is obviously not a good situation.  If they have someone help them and they only push it back beyond arm’s reach, then they would think things are resolved, even though the entity would still be present.  I see that as a dangerous.  Our situation is probably worse now than it was when he would physically interact with C simply because he’s had to get more creative, more complex, and more subversive.  This means that the things that he does have a bigger punch to them and they’re harder to see coming.

Even with help from someone that could fully resolve the situation, it could take months or years to help someone with a large entity problem.  That’s a ton of time and effort to give to someone who will most likely not see the results after a point.  After a while it would seem like you were just stringing them along if they didn’t have any way to sense the entity themselves.  I guess C and I are lucky in that regard.

I guess the whole point of this is to warn people who think magic can be all wine and roses that there really is an ugly side of things.  It doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily have problems with it, but it’s out there and it does happen to good people who have done nothing to invite it.  There is a serious lack of information out there about what to with something that’s a big problem, and I’m not much help there yet either.  I have the structure for many things, but figuring out how to actually implement some portions of the magic involved is a very difficult and long process.

This wasn’t intended as a dire warning of impending doom to anyone that encounters the spiritual.  As a physical-world analogy, think of it like this:  No matter how safe of a driver you are, no matter how cautious, the other drivers on the road can still cause you problems.  Even if you choose to not drive to be ‘safe’, things happen to pedestrians, bicyclists, and sometimes people drive a car through the front of a convenience store.  It’s just a part of the reality of being alive and having cars on the road.  Most of us will never encounter anymore than just a little fender-bender, or some jerk cutting us off, but there are times when the video that gets posted on YouTube makes us wonder how reality can get so strange.

Just keep your eyes open, and if something does go wrong, do your homework and try to understand it.

Be well,


The infamous 100th post…

Well, November is gone, which means that I can be a human being again, rather than a NaNoWriMo obsessed typing machine.  This year I actually succeeded in my 50,000 word goal, and had it blown away by the end.  Is the book done?  No.  I’m only at about the halfway point.  Is the book good?  Who knows.  That will only be known if I ever finish it and let someone read it.  The important part is that the book is coherent, the characters are not complete cardboard cutouts, and I have a clear path to the end.  So, it was a good month of writing and gave me quite the needed confidence boost when it comes to that sort of thing.

So, with that done, on with the show!

Can you believe it’s the 100th post?  It works out to a little less than a post a week since this blog was started.  Of course, they have been sporadic for a myriad of different reasons, yet here we are anyway.  I went back a read my first few posts and it helped me realize how far I’ve really come in my practice.  I don’t know how things are for others, but every time I do something, successful or not, it brings me more questions than answers.  Even after all these years I have a huge list of things that I still need to try, test, and learn about.  I’ve had a bad habit lately of reading too many books.  While not normally considered a ‘bad’ thing, they have just made the laundry list of what I need to explore a lot longer.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it.  It just makes me laugh sometimes how I can always seem to create more for myself to do than I can possibly get done.

Word is spreading slowly in my personal circles that my wife and I don’t quite fit the molds that everyone else does.  This, of course, has led to people keeping us a little more at arms-length, but that’s quite fine.  We’re both very non-social people in person so it’s been nice to not have to do as much to maintain those relationships.  Social situations are difficult for both of us, so a touch of standoffishness is a welcomed gift.

As word slowly spreads there are whispers of ‘that’s not real’, ‘both of them are just crazy’, ‘they’re going to hell’, and other fun references that we promptly ignore.  But as the word has spread, these same people who want less to do with us, for whatever their personal reason is, also have been having a new kind of conversation with us.  It’s usually a phone call or text that starts with ‘Can I ask you something and have it stay between us?’

For all of their doubt and religious judgement, when something happens that they can’t explain they come to us.  We’ve had questions about entity attacks, bumps in the night, and even requests for tarot readings.  It seems that everyone that is so quick to reject our beliefs is a lot more comfortable with them when they become useful.  We have found with a couple of them that, after we talk about things or give them a hand with something, they realize that we’re not playing a game, we’re not teenagers that want to rebel against some societal norm, and we’re not doing our thing under the control of some ‘devil or ‘demon’ or whatever it is that they fantasize as the invisible bad guy.

We’re just looking for answers to questions that we have, and the path towards those answers is along a road less traveled.  That’s all.

I guess the point of this rambling is that there seems to be a small clutch of people out there that are fascinated by all of this, but they’re still terrified of it.  Other than online, I have never willingly admitted to anything that I do.  My wife is always the one that outs me, and I refuse to talk about specifics with anyone that I know in person.  I tend to be vague or use analogy if they insist on speaking about what I do, but I will have limited conversations about some of the topics surrounding it.  I’m still a bit defensive about the whole thing I guess.  It’s a natural reflex when you live in a very conservative, religious town.

How is the practice itself going?  Good question.  Sometimes I forget that it has become a part of my everyday life; so the reading, the journaling, and the small work of all of it doesn’t really seem notable like it did in the beginning.  When I first started this blog, a couple hours of thought dedicated to Chaos and related happenings was worth of a blog post, these days it’s just part of who I am.  I have reminders of my beliefs and practice sprinkled throughout my house and I’m comfortable in what I do, so there isn’t really a second thought given to being in that mindset now.  Perhaps that means I’ve going from ‘practicing’ to ‘being’, not that it matters.

In the last month the holidays have taken their time, new video games have taken a slice, writing has taken its time, but somehow I actually got a bit of spiritual work done in there.  My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are both big ‘you guys are kooks’ believers, but that has changed.  He, loving Christian soul that he is, was attacked by an entity.  So, my wife’s phone started getting filled with texts from her sis, concerned not only about the attack but that it seemed to change his personality after it happened.

I told them to look for answers within their own faith (prayer, etc) since I operate outside of their normal comfort zone.  Turns out they did but it didn’t help.  So, my wife and I were asked for guidance and intervention into both the attack and the attitude change.  It turned out to be no big deal, just a one time attack, so we didn’t have to do anything to chase it off.  The attitude shift was another thing though.  The entity that attacked him was a strong one and left physical marks on him.  This not only flipped his reality of what can and can’t happen, but it also left a bit of a taint on him from the encounter.  Sadly, I can’t do anything about either unless people are willing to cooperate.  I can’t tell you what’s going on if your faith doesn’t allow you to accept the answers, and I can’t do anything about a spiritual residual left behind if your rules are ‘whatever you do, it can’t involve me’.  So, as we knew it would, it wore off and he returned to his previous state.  All I could have done was sped up the process a little.

It seemed odd to me though that someone would come to us for help but not be willing to be a part of the solution.  That would be like going to a doctor and telling him that you couldn’t be involved in the treatment.  The good part of the whole thing is that C and I had a chance to look at how things were interacting with others rather than being left with just our own experiences.  Those kinds of learning opportunities don’t come along terribly often, so it was all time well spent.

I suppose that’s it for the 100th post.  Nothing too exciting.  I still have some big projects coming up with regards to my magic, but they are long-term things.  I’m still working on effective use of magic within the astral.  My biggest problem is measuring it.  If I try Astral -> Physical magic I can look for results that I can measure and analyze.  Astral -> Astral magic though, not so much.  Everything within my meditation is subject to question just because of the nature of the mind and suggestibility.  So how then does one measure Astral magic results?  It’s a conundrum, and currently one of my biggest projects.


Kiss November goodbye…

I thought I would make a post real quick saying that I’m probably not going to be posting in the month of November. Why? NaNoWriMo!!!
Haven’t head of it? Well, it’s about the nuttiest thing a person can do in my opinion. The goal is to start on November first and reach a goal of 50,000 words by the end of the month. Hopefully you have a completed short novel at that stage, but if not you should at least have a good chunk of a bigger novel finished.

For those of you that find this kind of thing interesting, is where you’ll want to head. There are lots of local events and online resources to help you get going, even if you’re coming in right before it starts.

I attempted a NaNo in 2008 while I was still in school and working full time. Needless to say I came out with about 30,000 words of useless nonsense. The good news is that I learned some awesome lessons, even if some of them were only ‘good ideas on ways not to write a book’.
The book will have nothing to do with chaos at all. This one will be pure fiction (although many people see Chaos that way) and will be entirely mundane. I really don’t want to try and shoehorn this wacky stuff into a novel that doesn’t call for it.

I’m taking a different approach to my writing this time as this will be my seventh attempt at completing a novel. My ‘normal’ method hasn’t worked six times, so I think it’s time to change things up a bit.

In Chaos news, I have compiled a bunch of stuff together and have considered the novelization of my experience in working with Chaos. I don’t know if it will work out, or if I even really want to do it, but it’s something I’ve been tossing around. Just my typed journals come to over 61,000 words, and I have five(?) written journals that I have kept over the years too.

I just thought a novel would be an interesting way to introduce a larger audience to Chaos as opposed to yet another ‘how to’ book that ends up on Amazon or (if you’re lucky) the occult section at Barnes & Noble. Movies and novels have always been an interesting way to throw concepts at the uneducated public to make them ‘want to learn more’ about a subject.

Again, I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s not something I’m actively working on, just something I’ve considered and did some ‘how much crap do I already have’ exploring into. The one thing I have never done is try to make money off of my Chaos practice in either selling the information, advertising on this site, or putting out some ‘book of shadows’ for teenagers to mess around with. I’ve always felt that the monetization of what I do would somehow cheapen it.

Perhaps I’ll just do a ‘collection’ or something that encompasses a similar scope to this blog and put it out as a free eBook or something. That way I can spread information around without being poked into that ‘sheister’ realm that many authors seem to slip into.

Anyway, I’m going to be writing like a nut over the next few weeks and will be shunning friends and family in the name of a novel. I’ll see you back in December. Hopefully I’ll still be in one piece.


Finally getting my legs back under me.

Well, after a serious medical scare with C, things seem to finally be getting back to normal.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on how the mind can affect the physical well-being of the body, and I’ve been doing one of my favorites and reading more about Buddhism.  The concepts of Buddhism always give me a lot to ponder and tend to help me understand the nature of people much better.  Perhaps this is the wrong place to write on such a topic, but I just thought I would hand out credit where credit is due in my own development.

Albeit small, I’m finally getting another place dedicated to my meditation.  It’s a bit small for some of the magical work I like to do, but having a little secluded hideaway for meditation and reflection is something that I have been missing since the loss of my private study.  With the shuffling of the function within the house now that we have a room freed up it will also open up one room dedicated to yoga and other exercises.  We’ve always bitched about our house being too big (4 bedroom, 3 bath), but I think we’re finally finding a use for the additional space.  I know….first world problem.

Having dedicated, private space in the past has really helped me to make great strides in my development on a spiritual level because it’s simply convenient.  If I can hop in and meditate without a bunch of furniture/stuff shuffling I’m far more likely to do it.

We still have the issue of the entity lurking about, but compared to issues of physical health he is nothing at this point.  He may be an influencing factor, but a good western doctor that also believes in complementary treatment through eastern medicine is a total-body combination that seems to have worked well for us over the past couple years.  Now that the physical is on the mend with C, we can focus on the mind/body for sustained healing and long-term wellness.  Part of that may be finally dealing with this entity, but that’s ok.  At least she’ll have the physical and mental wellness available to help her through the process.

Things are a bit different in Texas…

I’m a couple thousand miles away from home, so what better time to try. Some new tricks with entities I’ll never encounter again.
The first thing that I will say is that San Antonio Texas has a lot different activity in its downtown than I’m used to. Our area has lots of wanderers. Just random entities cruising around with different emotions. Some are lost, angry, or even just stuck in their home town for no apparent reason.
The other trick to doing any kind of work at home is my wife, C, is usually at home. She seems to light up like a beacon in the night so I fall into the background noise and am, not noticed as much.
Fire off some solid astral juice in San Antonio and things seem to take notice. I did a standard meditation and decided to do some astral travel but on a local basis. I spent a lot of time looking at myself in the physical and astral trying to confirm/deny some information had read lately and wasn’t having much luck.
I’m my brilliance I decided to travel to a nearby location and fire off a big burst of energy just to see what would happen. Well…shit happened. In the astral I got kicked by a surge of power and over me the sky looked like there was a funnel cloud coming down. I shot back to my room because I had no idea what was going on, but the spiritual energy was palpable.
The next thing I know I was having physical contact in my hotel room. They were just dark wispy hands, but I could feel them touching me. It was a good opportunity to try a technique I’ve been working to combat such things, and it was met with some, yet limited, success. It wasn’t anything too freaky, just a rare (for me) encounter on a physical level.
I didn’t try and communicating with it, I wanted to see if I could force it to go away. The one entity it worked on, the other seemed to pay me no mind. The one that I got rid of had ahold of my arm while the other kept messing with my face for some reason. I could feel the sensation in the physical and see the wispy tendrils in the astral. I MIGHT give things another go over the next couple nights to see if I can refine techniques with things that won’t have any kind of a chance of following me home. These two seemed to want something. It felt Ike they just wanted some energy, but there is no way to be sure at this point.
Apparently I can light up like a beacon when I don’t have my wife around to look more inviting than I do. I also tried to light up Ike a beacon which seemed to work.
Magic is all baby steps. It will be interesting to see what I stumbled on tonight and how I can use that in the future.


An absence of posts is not an absence of activity…

It’s been awhile since my last post, but a lot has gone on since then.  There are just some things that are a little too strange for words.  Yes, even for me.

Something big happened.  I mean really big.  So big that it’s made me take an honest look at myself to see if I need to be back on medications.  If you wrote the story of this whole thing and sent it to a publisher they would laugh if you wanted to put it in the non-fiction section, even though the story would be the real deal.

Without going into too many details (you wouldn’t believe me anyway) I will say this:  I have learned over the past few weeks that if you have a powerful, negative entity that is determined to manipulate someone, they can do more than you ever imagined to get that done.  This isn’t about throwing plates around your house or giving you the chills every time you walk past a bookshelf or something, this is far bigger than that.  This story involves a being that has been in pursuit of someone over multiple lives and has manipulated people and events over the course of decades to orchestrate a single event.  An event so bizarre that I’m not even sure it would make a good novel.

Luckily, thanks to some information from the ether, the event was narrowly avoided.  Now the entity is pissed.  Really, really pissed.  We’re not sure what it’s next move is, but if it’s anything like the last one we’ll never see it coming until it’s right in our face…perhaps not until after it’s hit us.  Part of the problem in the middle of all this is C’s spirit guide (whom she has never met) was unknowingly used as a tool in this and we’re not sure if he’s ok.  Also, I was informed by my guide that I’ve outgrown her and need to find a more powerful one.  That leaves us with two people caught in the thick of this nonsense that need to find new allies and we can’t even trust a new ally if we find one.  Why?  We’ve dealt with bad advice before and there is no reason that we couldn’t end up playing right into this other entity’s hands if we aren’t insanely careful.

I know I’m being incredibly vague, but I have to right now.  If I think about this stuff too much there is a part of my brain that just RAILS against it.  I have always been a skeptic and this situation is just too much for me at times.  I know that the pieces have all fallen together, and there are things that have happened that I can’t deny, but that logical, skeptical part of my brain is still trying really hard to convince me that I’m a nut.  Why?  it would honestly be easier to accept that I’m crazy than it would be to accept all the events that have gone on.  I wonder at this point in my life if I would consider taking a pill that would make it all go away and turn me back into a mundane, oblivious little peon that just coasts through life without having to worry about this nonsense.

I’ve done enough work trying to find answers over the last few weeks that it has been draining.  I think the one night I did over a dozen readings on a series of questions, I’ve meditated/traveled to consult with my guide, and I’ve even read a couple new books in the interim.  It’s such a big deal that there is no choice for it to do anything but consume my life at this point.  C and I keep it under wraps until after little N goes to bed, but it has dominated every conversation after that, and text/messaging during the day for weeks now.  The truly scary part is that we know it’s not total BS at this point as we’re starting to get medical evidence of some of the answers we got from our work over the last few weeks.

It’s entirely terrifying just because C and I have been into this stuff (different parts, same concept) for a while now and have bumped into some pretty ugly entities.  But this thing is unreal…it’s not even in the same class as what we have dealt with in the past.  It’s not leeching energy or causing little mischievous problems, it’s manipulating the lives of multiple people to change the future paths of incarnations of itself and others.  This thing is a big, big deal and can cause changes in the way events happen on a large scale.  I’d rather deal with a dish-rattler.

I don’t know what else to say about it right now.  Perhaps I’ll share the full story when we’re not still in the trenches fighting this.  I’ll be gone for about five days at a conference, so it will be nice to get away from everything for a little bit.  It may sound selfish to be glad to walk away for a couple days, but I need it right now.  This thing is bound to C so it won’t be coming with me.  If it does, I hope it doesn’t mind seeing me in a swimsuit at the hotel.


A new perspective on love…


Love (Photo credit: praram)

Strange title, no?  Love isn’t really the kind of thing I ever thought I’d be writing about on here, but things happen and I like to share them.

A week ago yesterday my wife’s sister’s husband’s brother (brother-in-law twice removed?) died in a car wreck.  My last post was about what to say to comfort those who are outside your own belief system, and this is kind of a strange extension to that story.

My wife’s life story is a really interesting one, and some of it we are still learning about in recent times.  One of the things we have learned is that she was born dead, and was actually dead for 5 minutes after she was born, and they don’t even know if she was dead while stuck in the birth canal.  So, her total time ‘not alive’ is an unknown.  We were only told this at my daughter’s birthday party in the beginning of June, so we’re still putting together some of the pieces of how that explains a fewe of her personality and problems.  She’s had her own psyc doc for a while and she’s never made sense to them.  She still doesn’t make any sense, but at least they have a good idea why.  I know…it’s a strange situation.

Anyway, back to the death.  So one of the issues she has is that when she’s under a MASSIVE amount of stress, her bowels shut down.   Funky?  Yeah.  It’s only happened three times in her life now, so it’s not a hard day at work makes her not poop.  We’ve had CT scans and all that good stuff and nobody knows why, it’s just the way it is.  Well, with all the death in her family (7 in the last two months), work, our little girl, and dealing with me, things got to be too much again.  The problem is that this time we couldn’t tell her to drop a class or something to lighten her stress, things just are the way they are.

The funeral for M was on Friday, and she was already having big problems by Wednesday.  She’s been watching his kids, prepping meals, grieving, and all those other things that come along with the untimely demise of a loved one.  So, Thursday night I devised a plan.  Being a loving person and caring for her overall well being, I decided to involve her in a ritual.  She couldn’t know what it was about, sometimes that has to be the way things are, but the goal was for me to ease her burden on Friday.  So, I setup a multifaceted approach to help her out.

In the ritual I set things up to give her a sense of peace, calm, and comforting when she came under emotional stress, and to pass what it replaced on to me.  I’ve recently been through so much therapy, including grief/mourning training, that I was willing to deal with the ramifications of lifting her emotional burdens for a day.  All of this was so she could receive a good experience from M’s funeral and achieve a very positive closure like I have learned to achieve.

The good news is, it worked!  The interesting news is, I had NO idea what I was in for.  That day, when she would have come emotionally apart, she really did get that sense of peace, calm, and comfort.  She didn’t know that was specifically what I did the night before, those were just the words that came out of her mouth.  So, I considered that a success.  The part I wasn’t expecting was how the ‘overflow valve’ that would send her emotions over to me would actually work.  It was WAY different than I could have ever imagined.

I think the first thing I should explain is that I really didn’t understand how naive I was.  Not about how well it would work, but about the way people feel.  There is a part in my mind that just assumes that love/hate/anger/loss and the entire gamut of emotions are the same for everyone.  I know we all may feel them stronger in different situations or towards different people, but I had no idea that my entire concept of an emotion could be wrong.

When I read about love, or even hear others talk about it, there are different traits that appear.  Some seem very hierarchical like ‘motherly love’, ‘platonic love’, ‘religious love’, or even the ‘love those we hate’ (I still haven’t figured that one out).  I can see the love people have wax and wane based on familiarity, time, positive and negative deeds, and even sometimes seemly their love can change on a whim.  I’m no stranger to these different ‘types’ of love.  I love my daughter different than I love my wife.  One is a ‘fatherly love’ and the other is a ‘romantic love’.  Right?  Does this make sense?  I’ve been asking people about ‘how’ they love others and ‘why’ they love others the last couple days, and so far it seems like everyone I talk to can use the same words and get into the same conversation about the concept.

Not my wife.  She has no idea what I’m talking about.  As a part of her psyc evals and therapy there has been a lot of talk about an “emotional wall” with her.  It’s one of the things that made doctors wonder about something in the autism spectrum before they found out about the whole ‘dead’ thing.  We’ve always talked about the fact that she doesn’t feel ‘romantic love’.  It’s just not there for her.  It’s not a problem in our marriage as I love her for many reasons beyond reciprocation of emotion, and there is love there, it’s just not expressed in the same way.  Or so I thought.

Back to Friday.  We go through the funeral, the reception, and the obligatory hugs on the way out.  I noticed that I was far more emotional than I should have been.  I think I met M twice before he died; both times at a holiday barbecue, so I didn’t even really have much of superficial connection to him, let alone a deep one.  So I’m getting all of this emotion, but my primary concern is to be there for C and to make sure she’s ok.  I even made a little ‘item’ for her during the ritual for her to use if I thought things were getting out of control.  But, she was fine.  She sat there and listened, remembered, and thought.  There was one specific time where I could see she was starting to get a big ball of emotion going and it just fizzled out and she went back to her peaceful state.  As designed, it came over to me.  Through the whole thing, she was perfectly peaceful and I was being bombarded by emotion.  After it was done I had to go straight to a meeting that ran late, and it wasn’t until it was done and I was heading home that I really had a chance to sift through the emotions and what had happened.

Through therapy I developed this unconscious process of dissecting and handling emotion.  My brain just starts picking at them one-by-one, rather than as a mass, examines them, comes to peace with them, and then moves on.  It sounds very formulaic, but it’s a coping skill that some of us need to learn.  One emotion at a time until all of them are handled.  Never try to handle them all at once.  That’s what makes pills necessary.

So I’m sifting through the day and I start having a hard time processing some of the emotions.  It wasn’t because they were so powerful, or that they were for someone I didn’t know, it’s because the way they were experienced was totally foreign to me.  The sense of loss, sadness, and all those others were running around in there and very normal to deal with, but they all revolved around love.  It makes sense, she knew M, loved  him, and lost him.  What I didn’t understand was her version of love.

C’s version of love is almost indescribable.  She doesn’t have hierarchies, qualifications (deeds, attitudes), and it doesn’t wax and wane.  I didn’t just get to feel her love for M, I got to feel it for every person that she met during that day.  Not everyone got the love, but those that did all got the same love.  She loves M as much as her brother.  It’s the same with T (M’s brother, my brother-in-law) and her mom.  It’s the same with me and Little N.  Her love doesn’t change based on the person…at all.  As far as the love aspect goes, there would have been no difference if it was anyone that she loved in that box, the emotion would have been the same.  Period.

I didn’t just get to understand the way she feels love, I got to feel love the way she does.  I felt love as her on Friday.  It wasn’t sympathy, it wasn’t empathy, I felt her loss and her love for M as if I was her.

You know what?  It absolutely humbled me.

I have never felt anything so whole and unconditional in my entire life.  Ever.  It was so pure and true that it honestly makes me wonder if I even really understand what love is, or if I can truly know how to love someone.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  She could have explained to me that he love was different a million times, and I would have just tossed it back to the old ‘she can’t express romantic love’ statement.  Now that I have experience the way that she feels love, I know why she doesn’t feel romantic love; she’s completely beyond it.  It is a whole  and entire love like I never could have truly understood unless I had experienced it myself.  It’s almost more like a soul-link to others.  She admitted that once she loves a person there is nothing they can do to ever change it.  She would separate herself from them if it was needed for her physical or emotional well-being (she’s not stupid), but the love would still remain.

There is only one exception to that, but I won’t really touch on it here.  The love is still there, but link has been severed.  What love was there is still there, but with the link severed, the love cannot be nurtured and grown anymore.

I know I already talk some seriously nutty stuff on here, but this one makes me feel like a total loon.  Experiencing what I did on Friday is making me reevaluate everything.  I want to love like that.  Having a taste of it and having to let it go is honestly disheartening.  I want to be able to feel that way for those I care about.  I want to be able to show other people what that pure, whole concept of love really is.  All of the poems, songs, and philosophy ever written cannot compare to what I got to experience on Friday.  To be one of the few recipients of that love makes me feel like the luckiest man on the planet.

Understanding that love will be part of what consumes me for a while at least.  It was like getting a small glimpse of how I want my soul to be.

She feels bad that I carried that emotion for her, I feel bad that I had to let it go.  I think it’s possibly the single most powerful spiritual thing that has ever happened to me, and the one that has also made me feel the most inadequate.



P.S.: The fact that my ritual worked that well makes it one of the most awesomely powerful things I’ve ever done with magic.  The true lack of boundaries within Chaos is still hard to fathom in its entirety.  I need to figure out how this can even happen within Carroll’s probability formulas.