My servitors return…

I sent two of my servitors (Lazarus and Socrates) on an information gathering quest about a week ago without telling anyone. Last night, my wife said to me, “Your little buddy has been gone for a bit, but he’s back and he brought something with him. “ Jackpot. One of the things I did when I sent Socrates out was to have Lazarus go with him as a guardian, and I also gave him permission to feed as he felt necessary. Both of them returning at the same time means that the pair stayed together, which is great as one of my goals is to get them used to working as a team, one as the doer, the other as the messenger.

As I have found in all things, if you ask a question, or seek knowledge, the answer may not always be what you were expecting or wanted to hear. This was the case with the information that they brought back for me. It completely flipped the direction of my research on a huge magickal project that I have been working on, because they informed me of variables and consequences that I had not thought of before. They were things that could have proven totally disastrous.

The good news is that they also retrieved the information on the new direction that I should take. It all boils down to making something comfortable and feel secure to get it contained rather than forcing to do what I want. Apparently well designed coercion works better than an iron fist in life and in magick too. I think it will be the first orange magick I will have performed since I started. It may end up being Orange with a touch of Black (just because of the nature of the spell) disguised as a green spell. Yeah, I’ve got a whole ton of work to do, but nobody ever said that real magick was easy.

Involuntary Full Disclosure…

My wife knows that I practice Chaos, but she doesn’t really know any of the details. She knows I do a lot of meditation, some astral projection, and even draw a bit of blood once in a while. What she never knew was how I do what I do, or exactly what I’m doing with my magick.

The other night we were talking about spirits and such, and since my wife is a sensitive, she mentioned that there was a problem. There was currently something lurking around me. She said it had never been human, it was something else, but it was constantly around me. She said it seemed to want something from me. More specifically, it wanted me to cast a spell or do some other work of magick. She sensed that it was upset that I hadn’t done much magick over the past few months and was bored. It also started feeding off her. She said it wasn’t much energy, but it was annoying as hell.

She said I looked wide-eyed and just stunned when she was talking about this entity, and she pressed me for answers as to what I knew, since it was obvious I had some idea as to what was going on. So, I finally admitted that it was my creation. In previous posts I have mentioned Lazarus, one of my early fetishes, and it seems that he’s not very good with idle time. So, I had to explain to her that he was mine, and she was absolutely amazed that someone could create an actual entity. So, I explained more about some of the objects that are in my little sanctuary, and a bit more about what I do that she didn’t know about before. I still didn’t tell her about exactly how my rituals go, but she doesn’t need to know that, and imitation of those rituals probably wouldn’t work for her. Every Chaote has to design his own way of doing magick.

After our talk, my wife is fascinated about what I do, even though it is tempered by a bit of fear that it can actually do something. I explained to her my principals on how I do things, and which forces I am and am not willing to work with. She was a bit more comfortable after that, but she still has some reservations.

She told my brother-in-law about what we believe, and some of the stuff that I do, but it didn’t bother me. He’s so medicated these days that nobody would believe him if he ran around blabbing to everyone. Besides, if he does, Lazarus will have a new source of food.

Chasing the Magical Dragon…

The term ‘chasing the dragon’ has been used as slang for a specific type of opium use, but it has also been used to refer to the pursuit of an ultimate high. Many drug users in fact have problems with usage because they are chasing the feeling they had the very first time they used it.

This analogy can be applied to many things in our lives, including magick. As I have been getting back into the practice lately, as my person issues are starting to stabilize and more time can be spent elsewhere, I find myself ëchasing the magical dragon’ in a way. I still remember that very first moment of wonder as I realized that something I had done actually had an effect on things. That feeling of wonder and amazement, the thoughts of limitless possibilities, and the feeling of empowerment to know something that very few people will admit exists, was one of the most profound moments in my life.

Those paradigm shifting experiences happen infrequently, and some people have few (if any) in an entire lifetime. So I’ve been tweaking and massaging the way I do my magic to try to get another one of those moments. My spells are becoming more complex, my results more measurable and predictable, and everything is more powerful overall. But I’m still working on the same paradigm I was when that first spell kicked in. So, the quest for ‘that moment’ has continued.

I think my next encounter with the ‘dragon’ will come when I truly accept that the potential in Chaos is truly limitless. I am currently bound by my own perception and understanding of the natural laws that I observe and experience. This, of course, it total garbage, because nothing is true, and everything is permitted. And while this little statement is easy to say, the true scope to which it can be applied is something that is hard to internalize. It is similar to our understanding of infinity. Sure we can say, “It goes on forever, “ but truly grasping that ‘forever’ in our brains is truly quite a challenge.

So, off I go to Chase the Magical Dragon. So much of my magick lately has been Illumination that I need to get back into Astral Projection and Astral Spell Casting, because I believe that’s where my answers may lie.

The magic of self healing…

Lately I have been channeling my energy somewhere other than Chaos. Without going into details, I have had a very interesting life, some of which is outlined in the About section. Other parts of it are completely irrelevant to anything involving this board, so I don’t post it.

With that touch of vague information having been given, I will say that most of my attention has had to be on myself lately. The shadows of our past can reside in our subconscious as well as the intent of our will. These memories and events can shape who we are in ways that are similar to magick in their nature. They are part of our subconscious, and they affect our reality, but unlike magick, we didn’t necessarily have any control over whether or not they were placed there.

These events and experiences rewire our brains in ways that we can consciously realize, but they can also lurk about in the shadows of our minds, and have their own intentions. This part of us that almost feels like our ëother self’ can manifest itself in many ways including emotions, stimulus response, and even moments where we relive the events of our past.

For a healthy future, some of these need to be rooted out, exposed, and faced head-on or they will continue to feed and grow within us until they start influencing us so much that we can lose control over our own lives. Magick can help in this process through the process of illumination, but as with all things that involve the subconscious, it can be very, very ugly work that takes a long time to gain control over.

Don’t feel bad if this doesn’t all make sense, it’s like sitting in a room full of people who only tell inside jokes that they really don’t want you to get. But, it’s the only way I know how to explain what I’ve been up to without being one of those my-whole-life-on-the-internet attention whores that seem to dominate every form of media these days.

Be well, cast often.

Reflections on sorcery…

Now that I have completed the Sorcery section of my training and am preparing myself to move on towards Shamanism, I figured it would be a good time to reflect on the Sorcery experience as a whole.

I can understand why Carroll wanted beginners to start with Sorcery.  It’s a very mechanical, physical approach to magick.  Since we are all so bound to the physical, it gives the beginner a great place to start, and something tangible to work with.  That tangibility helps to connect us with our intent the way we are most connected to our reality.

The only complaint I have about the Sorcery part of the training, is the part that makes it so great for beginners:  the tangibility.  The problem I find with it being so tangible, is that others can see what you’re doing as well.  Curious fingers can get in and stir around in your workings.  While there may not be any malice involved, just pure curiosity, there is something immediately sacred about the objects that are constructed.  At least in my experience, when someone messes with a fetish or enchantment it feels like they are far too deep inside your personal space.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that anything physical has that potential, it was just a bit of an abrupt wakeup the first time I walked into the kitchen and someone was handling Socrates.  Part of that stems from knowing that people have no idea what they’re touching, and I really don’t want to be the one that has to explain it to them.

Luckily, my new home will have a lot more private place for me to display my creations while keeping them out of harm’s way.  Good thing I’m almost done with the renovations.  Only two weeks until we move!

To share, or not to share…

As as Liber KKK instructs, I am keeping records of what I do in my training.  One part of that record is this blog, and another part is the grimoire that I’m currently building.  The grimoire is where I am recording all of the successful techniques that I am developing, and any other pertinent information that I glean along the way.  The question that I am facing is this:  When I am done with my training, should I share this information with others?

The part of me that says ëno’ to the idea thinks that I should keep my magickal workings secret for a couple of reasons.  The first is, if people don’t know what I’m doing, it makes it harder for them to counter my efforts.  The other, louder part of me says that I shouldn’t confuse people with my workings, because they could hinder them on their own path.  As far as countering my magick goes, it is a matter of countering my will, not countering my conjuration processes.  So, that argument is easily discounted.  The second argument I have with myself is not quite so easy to brush away.

Being no exception myself, people are inherently lazy.  If they can read something that gives them instructions, they will gladly follow it rather than learning for themselves.  I’m not saying this is a bad trait, it’s just the way it is.  If I’m going to change the brakes on my car, it’s a lot easier to look up how to do it than it is to figure it out as I go.  The problem is that magick is about the journey, and less about the end result.  Even if people are focused on the result, the journey is what will let you achieve your goal.  If I put out information on the specifics of how I work my conjurations, I’m afraid that others will just mimic them rather than searching for practices that are meaningful and powerful to them.  I do things differently than most other people do, but because I have made that customized set of practices, even my early results are very powerful.

What I want for others is for them to find their own path of practice, and not simply copy what anyone else has done.  Luckily, it will be a while before my grimoire is completed, so I can ponder the answer until I’m truly comfortable with the decision I make.

Updates and thoughts…

I added a few links to the resources page today.  I’m trying really hard to continually update it as I find interesting articles, resources and other information.  Here is what was added:

* ChaosMatrix.org  – A ridiculously complete collection of spells, theory , and other information related to Chaos.

* Kaos Magick Journal  – Volume 1 No. 2  – An awesome piece on Chaos.

* Kaos Magick Journal  – Volume 2 No. 1 – Yet another awesome piece on Chaos.

ChaosMatrix.org has tons of interesting and useful stuff on it, and it also has some of the lighter side of Chaos Magic.  So many people seem to take themselves too seriously, which cracks me up because it seems a bit contrary to the nature of understanding Chaos.  If nothing is true, then why sweat so much over it?

The second set of links are to a newsletter I found while googling random topics about Chaos.  They have really interesting articles, some about practices, some about more IOT related topics, but they are a fun read.  One of the nice parts about Chaos is I don’t have to care about the personal interjections and beliefs if I don’t want to.  A lot of Chaotes head down a totally different path than I have taken, which is fine, I just really don’t want to head that way.  I’ve never been one to believe in a god, let alone a whole pantheon of them.  My  “fake it till you make it “ techniques are designed around Peter Carrollës information which allows for the free-form use of energies, or even god-forms of our own creation.

“…there is always a perfectly adequate amount of sex, violence, love, intellectual brilliance, death, and everything else going on in the world at any time for the magician to establish etheric resonance with, if one wishes to work in a more free-form manner. “

“Thus Chaoism proclaims the death and re∑ birth of the gods. Our subconscious creativity and parapsychological powers are more than adequate to create or destroy any god or self or demon or other spiritual entity that we may choose to invest or disinvest belief in, at least for ourselves and sometimes others as well. “

So many Chaotes flit about acting like dark pagans rather than the arbiters of reality that they really are. Am I one of the few that is actually spending the time to really learn this stuff? I have had a few conversations with people online that initially claimed to be well-practiced Chaotes, but when I tried to discuss some of the deeper questions I had, they admitted to only having done sigils in their practice. Not that there is anything wrong with a sigil, I happen to think they are an awesome tool to have in our arsenal, but they are not the whole of Chaos Magic.

But, I digress. Enjoy the resources that I have updated on the page, but remember this: Take everything with a grain of salt, even the crap that I post. Make every decision for yourself and you’ll be a better off in all the areas of your life.

About this blog.

This blog is about Chaos. Not chaos, but Chaos.

As Wikipedia puts it,  “Chaos magic is a school of the modern magical tradition which emphasizes the pragmatic use of belief systems and the creation of new and unorthodox methods.” The foundations are set forward in Liber Kaos by Peter J. Carrol. It’s worth buying a printed version. It’s a fabulous resource and training manual for anyone interested.

I don’t plan on going into religious debate, apologetics, or deep explanation of the underlying theories of Chaos, I’m just chronicling my own experiences.